


And still the sea is salt

by heryellowcup



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Victorian, Butch Kara Danvers, F/F, Flowers, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Forbidden Love, Kara is a writer, Kara is clueless and cute and in love, Language of Flowers, Lena is just rich, Light Angst, Mutual Pining, Pining, Poems, Secret Relationship, Skinny Dipping, Victorian era, background AgentReign, they're both v smart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-24
Updated: 2018-08-01
Packaged: 2019-05-27 21:23:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 29,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15033599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heryellowcup/pseuds/heryellowcup
Summary: In a world governed by rules and societies perceptions, two women find themselves and each other. Kara, an artist with a flagrant disregard for social expectations and standards chooses to wear pants and, more often than not, speaks her mind even when she's not supposed to. Despite her sometimes awkward and brash nature, or perhaps because of it, Lena Luthor, one of the elite and powerful, can't help but to be drawn in by Kara.Both are strong and brave in their own right, but are they courageous enough to find a home in each other rather than the men they were destined to marry?Or, Kara and Lena fall for each other even in the victorian era, even when they're supposed to marry men





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so excited to post this and I truly hope that you are all going to like it! 
> 
> If you are a history major, please don't scream at me in the comments. This might not be the most accurate portrayal of this time period but you know, it's cute. 
> 
> All mistakes are mine. Enjoy! :)

Kara feels rather hesitant and she behaves like it, too, as she slowly steps into the luxuriant restaurant right next to her fiancé like she ought to. His arm that is pleasantly yet vigilantly linked with hers doesn’t offer any real comfort, is merely a reminder that they have found themselves to be in a very formal setting, one that feels entirely too conservative, one that, despite not being alone, makes her feel somewhat nervous. She is not used to dining with the kind of people that she can find here, sitting at the expensive tables in their elegant dresses while they delicately nibble on what Kara can tell is even more expensive food. 

The quiet and constrained atmosphere does nothing but unsettle Kara even more, wishing she was back at another place instead. One of her favorites, where it’s loud and people look like they are actually having fun, not just pretending to be with their faux smiles and the fraudulent excitement they allegedly feel upon eating food and drinking gin that Kara suspects doesn’t taste nearly as good as her simple, homemade dinner and the beer that some of her friends seem to enjoy immensely. 

Now Kara knows that she is not a part of the lower, working class, her fiancé providing for her like it is expected of him, but she decides, in that moment, that she enjoys spending time with them, some of whom have become her friends, considerably more than she does with the pretty and reserved people here. The tension that seems to hang in the capacious room causes her to feel notably uncomfortable, almost compels her to hide her hands in the pockets of her pants, lets her wish she could do something similar with her face. Although she does not like that presumably everyone is looking her way as they enter, with either disdain or admiration, she can’t quite tell, her fiancé’s encouraging smile aids to calm her profoundly. And yet she feels her hands get sweaty as soon as she lays eyes upon the woman that is elegantly sitting at the table they’re now approaching, then stands up impossibly more graceful when she spots the two of them, a polite smile grazing her flawless lips. It looks genuine enough in this setting and Kara finds her own lips curving upwards despite the fact that her heart seems to be beating a little too fast all of a sudden. 

Kara can’t quite fathom why, but she supposes it has to do with the dark-haired woman she can’t tear her eyes away from. She is sure, then, when said woman opens her mouth to speak. Her voice is deep, somewhat hoarse and laced with even more politeness than her smile. It borders on being more captivating than those green eyes of hers and Kara feels helpless. She watches the interaction play out in front of her as though in some sort of trance, watches as her fiancé and, who she can only assume is his business partner, shake hands. 

“Mr. Matthews.” 

“Miss Luthor,” he acknowledges her just as politely, then places his other hand on the small of Kara’s back in what is supposed to be yet another comforting gesture. “May I introduce my fiancée? Miss Danvers.” 

Kara knows she should simply nod and smile and let the rest be her fiancé’s responsibility, knows how she ought to behave in formal settings like this so as to not disrupt her love’s plan to come across as inherently noble as Miss Luthor really is, but she interrupts nonetheless, makes herself known in a way that is not necessarily wanted. 

“Kara, please,” she says smoothly, smiles a civil smile, proceeds even when she can feel Michael’s hand tighten on her back. She dislikes being called Miss Danvers, always had, and she hopes that being on a first name basis will make this whole encounter less awkward than what it had shown to be so far, hopes that it will make her feel more comfortable. She’s not afraid to bend the rules a little to her own benefit every now and then, in a way she feels is more honest, more genuine. Her smile broadens when at least one person at the table seems to appreciate it. 

“Kara it is,” Miss Luthor repeats her name gently, nods softly in her direction before she takes Kara’s hand with such confidence that almost lets the blonde’s fade. It’s a different kind of confidence, one that has been learned, one of certainty and knowing a lot about the world. Kara’s is merely a certain amount of innocence, that of a dreamer and an artist who can’t fathom the ridiculous rules that society has brought upon them. And it’s with said innocence that she bites her lip, looks to the floor to avoid the other woman’s eyes when the tension becomes too much to bear, when she fears that everyone in the room might be able to hear how loud her heart is suddenly beating. 

Nobody does, of course, and so she simply proceeds to shake Lena’s company’s hand as well, a well-groomed and elegant man perhaps a few years older than Lena, before they all sit down and pretend to study the menu. Business can wait, apparently.

Kara doesn’t have to ask for the other woman’s first name, wouldn’t have dared to anyways. She is not going to use it, either, but she knows it’s Lena. She knows her name is Lena Luthor, just like everyone else does. Everyone in town recognizes that name, knows that the only Luthor left is by far the most wealthy woman in the area, knows that she owns the huge mansion that edges on fields and forests and everything that inspires Kara, everything that Kara deems beautiful about the landscape here. 

And while she believes asking for her first name to be inappropriate, she sees nothing wrong with admiring the dress that she is wearing, one that only emphasizes just how prosperous she is. Yet Kara can’t help but feel it to be wrong, the way she’s admiring Lena’s dress even though she usually feels rather indifferent about this specific piece of clothing. When Michael coughs, then, clearly not caused by any health problems but rather something else that he despises and wants to draw attention to, Kara almost fears that she’s been caught. She doesn’t exactly know what she has done wrong, but feels incredibly relieved nonetheless when she sees that instead of her own gaze, it had been Lena’s that had caused her fiancé’s dismay. 

The blonde doesn’t allow her mind to wander for even one delicate second, doesn’t allow herself to explore the numerous reasons Lena could have possibly been staring at her. She doesn’t dare hope that it’s because, for some reason, the dark-haired woman seems to admire her outfit as well, knows it’s not the case. Kara knows that the only reason one might be staring at her is the indelicate way she likes to dress, the way she prefers shirts over dresses and thoroughly despises corsets. It’s something that never fails to set her apart from most other women in the room, something that usually deflects attention rather than attract it. Kara is indifferent to it, really, and she almost finds herself blushing when she realizes that she earnestly hopes that her masculine clothes don’t actively hide all of her feminine curves, hopes that a woman like Lena might be able to detect them anyways. She knows it’s rather unlikely and yet she naively hopes that exactly this is the reason for the smirk that has found its way onto the other woman’s red lips. 

“My apologies, Mr. Matthews, I did not intend to be rude,” Lena’s words are, again, polite, but the tone of her voice paints another picture, one that is notably more impolite, sounds almost mocking in the most elegant way, in a way Kara herself strives for. “But I was just wondering, isn’t it a shame that your lovely fiancée wears her shirt and tie better than you do?” 

It is supposed to be a joke. Lena is laughing, rich and beautiful and Kara is immediately besotted, if not only for the fact that the other woman actually dares to joke like this, dares to taunt her business partner upon their first meeting, knows fully well that she is in a position to execute all of that and come across as charming, still. It works. At least for Kara, it does, the blonde now smiling, though she feels flustered more than anything, a flush creeping up her neck ever so discretely. She is glad for that, of course, although she is sure Michael wouldn’t have noticed anyways, his smile tight lipped and forced. Kara is not sure whether it’s the insult that is causing his dismay, or if it’s the simple and ongoing fact that she likes to wear pants. Something so simple that had yet caused so many troubles in the past.

“I wouldn’t call it a shame, Miss Luthor. I, for my part, like to be surrounded by women as breathtaking as Kara. Don’t you?” His voice sounds similar to hers now, his gaze challenging. When Lena holds her hands up in surrender and seemingly decides not to dwell on the matter at hand, Kara grows curious. She has undoubtedly missed her fiancé’s argument, his sly implication, and it frustrates her for she is usually so observant. 

They start talking business after that, once their waiter had taken their order, a choice that Kara’s fiancé had so gracefully made his own and decided on something that she ought to enjoy. Kara hadn’t objected, for once not wanting to put up a fight, not in this environment, she had simply watched Lena make her own choice like it was the most natural thing to do. 

Once they start talking about typewriters, start talking about her fiancé’s new inventions and the company he wants to build, the one that Miss Luthor seemingly wants to invest in, Kara does nothing but listen. She is not supposed to interrupt, is only here to accompany her love, after all. Just like Jack, the man next to Lena, is. Though it is expected of him, as a man, to let his opinion be known every now and then, when it seems relevant. His ideas matter, after all. 

And yet Kara can’t help but wonder, can’t help but let her mind drift off once again, until she is no longer able to contain herself. She has to ask, overlooks Michael’s expression when she does so. 

“May I ask you a question, Miss Luthor?” Kara requests all of a sudden, causing everyone sitting at the table to face her. It’s not expected of her to ask questions, to think, even, and Kara thinks it’s ridiculous, another rule she neglects confidently, doesn’t consider in her wondering state. She knows that if she turned around, Michael would look rather furious behind that civil mask he had put on earlier that day, in the midst of being nervous and doubting himself. Kara doesn’t blame him, doesn’t criticize his behavior. She feels as though he simply doesn’t know any better, isn’t sharp enough to question everything around him like she does. He obeys society’s structures and gladly takes whatever he receives in return. What does spark something in Kara, however, is the gleam she can clearly make out in Lena’s eyes. Kara can’t be certain, but it almost feels as though the other woman is challenging her, in a way, to ask. To ask whatever is on her mind. She gets a rise out of it and even though Kara can’t quite comprehend why, it spurs her on. “Why, if you have as much money as they say you do, would you want to invest in a small company rather than use it for something far greater, something that actually helps people?” 

Her question isn’t meant to be accusatory, is asked out of sheer curiosity. But even Kara realizes how her words sound and her heart stops momentarily as she waits for an answer, then speeds up when Lena smirks at her, doesn’t chastise her for her rude behavior. She shakes off Michael, who has already opened his mouth to apologize, looking at Kara while doing so. “That is quite the ambitious question, Miss Danvers. May I ask what this pretty mind of yours is thinking of, exactly?”

Before Kara can answer, before she even has time to get accommodated to her cheeks heating up notably, Michael scoffs and shakes his head. “Oh don’t worry about it, Miss Luthor, she has all these ridiculous idea-“ 

“Well, I believe I might enjoy them. Kara seems like a bright girl, I’m sure she can communicate her thoughts just fine on her own.” Lena smiles a smile that doesn’t even try to look polite this time, before turning to face Kara with a much more genuine one. She seems positively interested in what Kara has to say and that alone is a feeling so great and startling that the blonde is all too eager to comply to Lena’s next words. “Go on.” 

And so her excited rambling starts as soon as the words escape Lena’s lips and she is no longer as intimidated by the other woman’s elegance, rather admiring her even more now that she has shown to be on her side, has shown to be just as bright as she claimed Kara might be. Her love for what she believes in surpasses every bit of inhibition she has previously had. Lena giving her the chance to finally, freely talk about the things she is passionate about. And being taken seriously, as well, instead of merely being tolerated for all that she believes in.

“I- it’s my dream to teach children. All of them, even the ones who don’t have a lot of money or the luck to have been born into a noble family. It’s- I just, I don’t think it’s even remotely fair. Everyone deserves to get educated and everyone deserves to have the same chances. I believe that every single child, every single person on this planet harbors so much potential to explore what it means to be human, to explore the world around us and everything that we are- I, I mean… if we’d just give them, the chance, you know. The poor child around the corner, the one who doesn’t know how to read yet simply because, because society is so infuriatin- I, they could possibly be the one to make the next great invention, they might show more compassion than most noble people do, than the government doe-“ 

“That is quite enough, my love,” Michael tries his best for his voice to sound sweet and loving, but his intentions are clear in the way his smile doesn’t quite reach his eyes, in the way he holds Kara’s hand tighter than necessary. It almost makes her feel embarrassed for having gotten so carried away, in a setting that doesn’t ask for her opinion. She’s here to accompany her fiancé, not to discuss her still impossible ideas with someone who might not even take her seriously, after all, who might think that her views are rather naive and childish, just like her antics and the way she presented them. 

Instead, Lena slowly brings her hands together over and over again in what is a deliberate clap. Kara spots an amused and, dare she hope, admiring smile on the other woman’s lips and it’s enough for her to dismiss her fiancé’s disapproving expression entirely, to pay the way his lips are pressed tightly together and the way his eyebrows furrow no mind, to focus on the beautiful issue at hand instead. The aforementioned issue being Lena, who almost makes her feel lightheaded, with her bravely placed trust in a young woman she doesn’t know. A woman whom she lets speak her mind nevertheless, because she fathoms that so far she’s only scratched the surface of what she is undoubtedly capable of. “Those are very ambitious ideas, Miss Danvers. Quite determined, too. And endearingly progressive. I understand it you are a teacher?” 

Kara shakes her head, almost wistfully, worries her lower lip between her teeth before she looks up at Lena again, eyes wide and impossibly more blue. A blue that could be interpreted in so many ways. “I’m an artist.” 

“An artist?” Lena sounds surprised, at first, then nods in what seems to be understanding, as if Kara’s behavior makes much more sense all of a sudden. 

“An artist, yes. I paint and write. Poems, mostly.” Although Kara sounds quite confident when she talks, said words having left her lips more often than she dares to remember, she’s hesitant. She’s hesitant and timid, almost, as if someone who is here for business might not understand the delicate and yet powerful thing that art in itself is, as if all there is to Lena is this dinner, this invention she wants to invest in. And so Kara admits that she is bewildered when Lena proceeds to confess things that she can’t help but respect greatly, admire.

“You write? What about reading, then? I believe my library at home is just waiting for you to explore it. If you and your fiancé ever want to visit me at my residence, that is.” 

It’s not only a question for Kara, not only a query of mingling and socialization. They’re still here for business, after all, and Lena’s words ask for another answer entirely, imply her stance on the situation as well. And so the next few seconds are accompanied, determined by wide eyes and longing looks, mostly from Kara’s part, followed by a nod from Michael that conclusively seals the deal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll probably update this once or twice a week!
> 
> Comments and Kudos are highly appreciated, please let me know what you think! :)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaand the second chapter is finally here. Writers block is the worst, but I'll try to keep updating this once a week at least! 
> 
> All mistakes are mine. Enjoy :)

The space Kara occupies in their little apartment is messy. It’s so chaotic and dishevelled, in fact, that one might easily lose themselves in it. On the desk that is cramped with star maps, both finished and unfinished sketches, melancholic poems she’s written months ago and the few books she has been able to afford and loves very dearly, there’s hardly enough room for Kara to do something as simple as rest her arms on it. Even the floor, even the little shelf next to it is full of Kara’s belongings. And of course they’re so very Kara, the whole room is so very Kara that neither her sister nor her fiancé had ever dared, had ever wanted her to change anything about it. It is so Kara and charmingly disorganized that it almost seems as if the blonde is begging to drown in her projects, challenges it, in a way, in all of the artistic things that draw her in whenever she is at home, that call out for her and then aid to explore all of the previously uninvestigated space of her creativity. 

And it’s comfortable, too, the spacious chair covered by a rather ridiculous amount of pillows, the whole atmosphere being warm and soft just like Kara herself. And when she works on all of her endless projects in the morning right after she wakes up from her peaceful slumber, like she tends to do, the sun shines just right through the little window that allows her to watch her neighbors, allows her to sketch them when they think no one is looking. Lone rays of sunshine scattering over her beautiful face and Kara basks in them as they make the whole scene look impossibly more beautiful. Almost as beautiful as the art Kara is creating simultaneously, unaware that she herself could be considered just that. 

Michael seems to be of the same mind, agreeing that Kara Danvers looks incredibly gorgeous in this light, with her hair falling over her shoulders in golden waves, her delicate skin barely covered by the soft robe that she is wearing. She isn’t wary of how it is slowly sliding down her toned shoulders and is exposing increasingly more of the body he is longing to touch. She doesn’t pay attention to him, thoroughly fixated on whatever she is working on, presumably not intending to pause until she has achieved exactly what she had set her pretty mind to. 

He shudders upon remembering those words having been used in another context entirely, having escaped Lena’s lips over the dinner table as though she was entitled to talk about his girl like she was hers. 

Dwelling on the thought, the unpleasant memory of how both Lena as well as Kara had behaved the previous night isn’t something that Michael finds much pleasure in and so he decides to pay attention to his love instead. 

“What are you working on?” He asks quietly, as to not disturb the peaceful state that she had found herself in as well as not wanting her to move unless it was into his arms. She jumps nonetheless, shakes her head and grins at him when she answers. It makes him consider his silent and selfish policy again, seeing how she is still rather nice to look at even when she decides that the robe had slid down too far, had taken care of said fact and was now more dressed than he usually preferred.

“A poem!” 

He smiles, loving to see her as full of joy as she is in moments like this, so herself, so feminine and beautiful that he can’t tear his eyes away from her, not even for a stray second. The poem is long forgotten when he speaks again, her art being something that he had never enjoyed talking about, had never considered important enough. He had always found it to be much more chivalrous to compliment her beauty instead, to confess how she can melt him easily with nothing but one well-intended look. A gaze of her eyes flickering over him, enough to set him on fire. 

“You’re wonderful, my love,” is what he lets out in a low whisper, barely loud enough for Kara to hear from where she is still sitting at the desk, her knees tucked under the rest of her body as she eagerly works on something that has caught all of her attention. That is until her joyful expression wavers ever so slightly and she frowns, a small and almost inconspicuous one that replaces her foregoing smile. Her eyebrows furrow ever so slightly as well and when she turns around to face him, Michael feels as though the sun has stopped shining. As though the rays of it still scattered over her features are nothing but little specks of light that he can’t fathom. Ones that almost make her look angry. 

She understands that his praise, his courtesy has nothing to do with the words she’s carefully stringing together in the most beautiful way she knows. She understands that his compliments are never aimed at what really makes her unique or what she accomplishes, are only ever directed at what he can see so clearly right in front of him without having to exhaust his head. The way he is so simply strung almost hurts Kara and though part of her wants to pity him, she can’t help the agitation from slowly rising in her chest. 

“You know, Mike, I think I would find it rather delightful if you read my poems just once,” she begins carefully, her voice still light and carefree as she tries her best not to let her exasperation simmer through. The meaningless words he seems to consider a compliment go unanswered. “I can promise that every word on this page says so much more about myself, is much more beautiful than this rather insignificant robe that I am wearing.”

He doesn’t understand. She is not surprised. And when his only response is a rather confused look paired with an ungraceful grin, when all he does is approach her and kiss her cheek, still paying the poem no mind at all, Kara stops feeling conflicted about the excitement that settles deep in her stomach whenever she thinks about seeing Lena again. 

//

And she does see her again, just a few hours later. She sees her and immediately forgets about her unpleasant morning, forgets that her simple request had ended in a mind-numbing argument that she had barely paid attention to. And she forgets about everything else, too, everything that had been wandering through her restless mind now discarded to make place for all of the things that Lena makes her feel. 

Looking at her, Kara decides, is like watching the sun set slowly. She’s uncertain and nervous, still, but something about Lena makes her feel at ease. It feels like acceptance and understanding and being taken seriously. Feels like being with someone likeminded, someone who actually has a grasp on all of the things they talk about, someone who can differentiate between what is important and what is not. Lena is open-minded where Michael isn’t, is devilishly smart where he seems to be rather dull and the fact that it had only taken one night for Kara to figure all of that out makes her wonder what more there is to the other woman. Kara feels that she is rather intimidating, too, seems to be able to look right through her with a kind of knowledge that she is too young, perhaps too naive, to understand. 

She, however, has no time to question what those feelings might mean, has no time to ponder over such simple and yet complex concepts that are occupying her mind when her excitement about getting to share ideas with Lena is so much greater. 

But before she sees her, Kara sees her mansion. 

Kara sees her mansion, sees how incredibly big it is in a way that almost scares her. It makes her shrink enormously in comparison, makes her feel small and as unimportant as she knows she is. It makes her understand just how little money she has, how little power, and how much Lena has of it. And Kara is surprised when she doesn’t feel angry at the thought, is able to push said feelings down for all it’s worth, lets herself admire the building in front of her. There is no old, rich and apathetic man living in it like she’d usually assume as well as despise. Instead, Lena lives there. Smart, compassionate Lena that allows Kara to feel amazed rather than disgusted, by the sight of sheer power and money in front of her. 

She’s seen the mansion before, of course, many times and from far away. However, standing right in front of it is a completely different experience, makes it seem impossibly larger. And Kara can’t help but wonder just how big the library must be, if the building itself is already so much more than she had anticipated. 

Though nothing she could have possibly made up in that highly imaginative mind of hers would have been able to prepare her to experience what the word library actually stands for. 

Lena greets them at the front door, her smile just as genuine as it had been the night before, though Kara almost dares to hope that the other woman is as excited as she is herself, as though the thought of seeing each other again makes not only one heart flutter in a way she can’t comprehend. Kara wonders if Lena understands what it all means, but she is too scared to ask, too smart to do so anyways. It’s a secret she can’t share with anyone and she promises herself that this will be the only time she complies to something even if she does not understand it completely, doesn’t have any chances to question it properly. 

The usual small talk is quickly being pushed aside and, as if Lena could sense how excited and simultaneously impatient Kara is, the former offers them foods and drinks, then regards Michael with a polite smile and tells him to wait with Jack while she shows his fiancée around. 

Kara is not surprised that numerous servants cross their path when they slowly pass through the hallways and Lena leads her to the library. One of them, a woman who doesn’t look much older than Lena herself, seems to study her closely before her eyes meet the dark-haired woman’s next to her, full lips forming a conspirative smirk. Kara doesn’t quite understand what is going on, but Lena flashes a smile at the other woman, shakes her head with a chuckle and the blonde supposes it doesn’t matter, pushes all of her questions aside to enjoy the things she does understand. Tries to, at least. She thinks she might never be able to comprehend how far up the ceiling really is, how wide the candelabra are, why Lena’s hand keeps brushing against her own and why it continuously keeps making her smile softly. Lena, who does nothing but chuckle at Kara’s obvious and very endearing amazement, studying every single detail in wonder, blue eyes wide open. She almost acts as astonished as she had the night before, upon seeing Lena, and the dark-haired woman feels a certain amount of smugness wondering what that might mean. 

Kara doesn’t notice her pondering, would have walked straight into the door right in front of them if Lena hadn’t delicately wrapped her fingers around the girl’s wrist, finally, something that makes her come to a halt immediately. It takes a few seconds for Kara to face Lena, to tilt her head in a confusion much like an animal would. It aids to broaden Lena’s smile notably. 

“Are you ready, Miss Danvers?” she asks, knowing that everything on the other side of that door might be a bit overwhelming, in the best way possible. She has seen the way Kara’s eyes light up when she talks about something she is passionate about, has seen that wide smile of hers, that carefreeness while she had shared some of her dreams, being so unapologetically herself. And while Lena barely knows Kara, has talked to her briefly and only once, she can already feel herself falling in love with the way Kara thoroughly rejects all of society’s rules when she truly believes in something, when she is caught up in her own world. 

“Call me Kara, ple-“ Kara still doesn’t like to be called Miss Danvers, not by anyone and certainly not by Lena, perhaps only for that she feels closer to her when they address each other by their first names. And so she wants to interfere, wants Lena to take this step into a much more personal territory, even if Kara herself is still intimidated, still doesn’t dare call her anything but ‘Miss Luthor’. But before she can say anything, the door they have purposefully found themselves in front of swings open and reveals amounts of books that Kara would have found to be impossible, even after having closed her eyes at night, wandering through worlds without limitations. Her sheer amazement is what cuts her request in half, now forever incomplete. 

“Alright, Kara,” Lena’s voice is low, held back as if she is trying not to laugh, to bite back a chuckle that is threatening to escape her lips. She has both understood and followed Kara’s wish, but the latter barely notices, steps into the room without much inhibition and explores as if she is in one of her dreams. And Lena simply watches the blonde stroll through the hallways made out of shelves that must be twice her height, a certain spring in her steps that certainly emphasizes just how deep in her element she is here, surrounded by books and everything she seems to love so openly. Lena almost feels her heart combust as she watches the wide eyed girl wander through what she considers her home, so full of joy and innocence. She’s never seen anything more endearing and so she follows Kara quietly, studies how she takes everything in, brushes her soft fingers over the spines of books so tenderly, as though she’s afraid she might hurt them. 

It takes a few minutes before Kara manages to open her mouth again, to form a coherent sentence and even then her eyes are still full of wonder. “W-wow, I-I… I don’t know what to say. This is… it’s incredible.” 

“Isn’t it?” The laugh Lena lets out is soft and nonjudgmental, just like her hand that finds Kara’s with the excuse of wanting to lead her somewhere, wanting to both show her books that she enjoys herself and ones that she knows for certain Kara might like. She wants to tease her about not finding the right words even though she is a writer herself, but she knows how impossible it is to describe the feeling of finally being at home. It’s something that she is just now coming close to simply because Kara looks like she might be witnessing it right in that moment. 

“I’ve never thought I’d see something like this,” Kara admits, her gaze flickering down to their joined hands for the shortest of moments, her cheeks rosy. It’s discrete and Lena is sure she wouldn’t have noticed if it hadn’t been for how closely she was studying her every move. She loves that Kara is too amazed to feel embarrassed, like Lena is certain she would have been thanks to the gesture, just a few minutes ago. Kara can certainly be shy, Lena has seen it with her own two eyes. But the Kara that hadn’t been able to stop staring at her, that had blushed upon laying eyes on her the day before doesn’t resemble the Kara she now sees in front of her, so lively and excited that a hand joining her own feels almost natural. “I’ve always dreamt of having something like this.”

“Well, now you do.” Lena wants to say something else, instead she smiles when she notices that Kara’s attention is elsewhere again, now admiring the books that the older woman had wanted her to see, with an expression that comes almost close to the one she had hoped, had strived for. 

“Poems?” Kara asks happily, hesitantly reaches for a book, then stops in the midst of her movement. She pulls her hand back sheepishly, bites her lower lip in what seems to be a nervous gesture, avoids Lena’s eyes. 

Instead of telling her that she can touch them, that Lena considers them hers now and would gladly give her every single one of them if it kept her smile as bright as It is now, she simply takes it herself, unlaces their fingers before she hands it to the other woman. “I thought you might like these.” 

And Kara does. She does like them, just like Lena had hoped she would. She tells her several times, too, can’t keep her amazement at bay no matter how hard she is trying, no matter how mature she wants to seem, in her pants and bowtie. It’s incredibly charming and Lena thinks that no man would ever be able to capture her attention like this, thinks that Kara wears her clothes better than them, too. It’s both a political statement and a sign of just how carefree and innocent she really is, shows how she gives herself the choice of ignoring, of rejecting rules because she feels that they are restricting. It’s everything that Lena has felt deep inside of herself for so long, gives her a reason to really ponder about it again, gives her a reason to broaden her horizon even in a society that builds fences everywhere. For women, especially. 

Lena doesn’t know how they find themselves surrounded by astronomy books, all of a sudden, isn’t sure if she had brought them there unconsciously, if Kara had led them there purposefully or if it was simply fate. She wouldn’t have necessarily considered that Kara might be interested in the subject, but then she sees a spark that closely resembles stars in Kara’s eyes while she studies the books and maps in front of her, and Lena gets it. 

One of the books in particular seems to have stolen Kara’s heart completely, an old one all about star constellations and what they might mean, the stories people in earlier civilizations used to tell each other about them. And Lena lets her borrow it, of course, yet again emphasizing that she can take as many as she wants.

Upon her question whether Kara likes stars, one that Lena herself knows is rather unneeded considering the book she is about to borrow, Kara tells her about how much she loves them. And her eyes seem impossibly more blue while she does, even wider than when she had talked about her teaching or any of her other passions. Lena thinks that some of those beautiful specks of light might be trapped inside of them, but she figures she’ll just have to look closer and find out, whenever she has the opportunity to do so, whenever Kara will let her. 

And Lena wants her to know about another thing too, though it is nothing but a rather selfish request, one she knows will keep Kara in her life, for now at least. 

“And please, Kara, if you happen to enjoy any of the books you borrowed, don’t ever hesitate to let me know. I’ve always loved discussing them with likeminded people.” 

It seems as though her simple words are something Kara had wanted to hear for a long time and the hug that is nothing but pure excitement at first, then sheepish and soft when the blonde pulls back again, isn’t something that Lena had necessarily expected, but welcomes delightedly nonetheless.

//

It is not many minutes later that both of them are being pulled out of their little bubble, the genuine happiness soon dissolving as they remember that Lena had invited them for business, that Michael had only brought Kara to accompany him, once again. And as much as they want to do just that, Lena knows she can’t spend all of their time with Kara, knows that there are more important things they have to work on, can’t just disregard her obligations because of the way Kara’s eyes sparkle when she is happy. Lena is a responsible woman, won’t let herself get lost in Kara that easily. She is too focused for that, a pretty girl not enough to let her professionalism waver for more than a few, unfortunate moments. 

Lena can tell that Kara isn’t ready to leave her new found home that is her library just yet, her eyes begging, her bottom lip jutted out endearingly. But then she also sees the way the blonde is gripping her book tightly, pressing it to her chest as she walks as though she needs to feel it to be certain that she can come back to this whenever she wants to, that Lena’s offer was more genuine than anything she had ever heard before.

Once they arrive back in the living room, Lena almost wants to laugh, has to hold herself back when she sees how awkward both Jack and Michael are being, their smiles forced and their conversation stifled at best, as if they truly need their respective women to lead in at least this aspect of their lives. Her urge to let out a little scoff doesn’t last long, however, when Kara’s pout turns into a smile as they all make their way outside to the little pavilion. They all decide they’d rather work outside on such a beautiful day, rather enjoy the sun shining on their faces and listen to the birds singing while they attempt to work on such dull things.

Though Lena knows, just one look at Kara is enough for her to know that even if the sun hadn’t been shining, her smile would have been just as sunny and warm. And she would have studied everything in wonder just like she is now, ready to jump and explore as soon as she gets Lena’s permission, something she is now asking for with a simple look, a simple tilt of her head, her eyes finding those of the dark-haired woman. Blue finding green before Kara sets off towards the lake, walking on the vibrant grass next to it, sitting down and weaving her hand through the warm water. 

She doesn’t look back once, after that, doesn’t want Michael’s disapproving look to ruin her joyful afternoon, doesn’t want his tight grip to stop her from walking freely, from wandering around the enormous and magnificent garden she can’t believe is Lena’s home, something the woman gets to see every day, every night, whenever she pleases. It’s something she is quite literally unable to comprehend, the soft grass under her now bare feet still feeling surreal, just like her wet hands and the rays of sunlight warming her skin. 

Her hands reach for the little sketchbook in her pocket all by themselves, the one she keeps with her at all times, and before she knows it she is drawing. Drawing the ripples in the water she can so easily create with her fingers, the weeping willow that now aids to spend her shade, the ladybug that has apparently deemed Kara her new friend, is carefully walking all over her. Lena’s and Michael’s talk about business is something she has completely shut off, though she glances over into their direction every now and then, catches Lena’s eyes every so often, her heart feeling quite full whenever the woman regards her with a genuine smile. 

And it is impossible, really, not to sketch her. It’s impossible when Lena’s face catches beams of sunlight whenever she faces her, when she squints her eyes adorably so she can look at Kara anyways, a movement that causes little crinkles to appear right next to them, ones that Kara captures perfectly with a few tender strokes of charcoal. The need to capture Lena’s whole being on her little piece of paper is something she can’t resist, is overwhelming, no matter how impossible it might be. She wants to try nonetheless, wants to be able to fathom how it is possible for Lena to look more beautiful than the ripples she had created in the water, the sun mirrored on its unstable surface. Lena is just as hard to grasp, to touch, and all she can create with her eager fingers is merely a cheap copy of what Lena really is like. 

Kara considers discarding the sketch once she is done, feels as though it is the right thing to do. She doesn’t want to feel bad for having drawn something beautiful that had caught her eye, doesn’t want to apologize for doing something that every artist would have done, but she fears that Michael would chastise her for it either way, fears that even Lena might look at her differently. 

And so Kara folds the sketch carefully, places it in the pocket of her pants where she plans on keeping it, another little secret she can’t share with anyone. One that feels exciting for what she assumes are the absolute wrong reasons. 

She moves, then, lays down on the soft grass like it’s the most normal thing to do for a grown woman, for someone her age, as if cloud watching wasn’t something society had only deemed appropriate for little children. The sun keeps her from being able to see Lena’s fond smile, but she is too busy looking at the sky anyways, has already spotted some of the most exciting things up there. 

She can’t help but wonder what Lena would see in those clouds, knows that Michael would see nothing but condensed water. 

//

//

 

Kara reads the astronomy book in less than a few days, completely loses herself in it whenever she picks it up. She won’t ever admit that it causes her to think of Lena, that the woman makes her think of the stars differently. 

And even though just thinking about it wrecks Kara’s nerves completely, she wants to personally hand it back to Lena, wants to tell her just how much she enjoyed it, wants to discuss it with her, wants her to see how thankful she is. And still, when instead of Lena, one of her servants opens the door, Kara feels a wave of relief wash over her. It doesn’t matter how talented she is with words, knows she wouldn’t have been able to find the right ones while looking into those sophisticated eyes. She assumes Lena knows much more about the stars than she does herself, but she lets the other woman know about the poem she had unapologetically scribbled down on the very last page, asks her to let Lena know about it. 

And really, it doesn’t matter how much Lena knows about the stars, it doesn’t matter how many scientific facts she had learned from reading all of her books and it doesn’t matter how many times she had looked up in the sky and studied them wistfully. Everything about them is so familiar and yet she looks at them in a completely different way after reading what Kara had left for only her to see.

_Stars, I have seen them fall,_  
_But when they drop and die_  
_No star is lost at all_  
_From all the star-sown sky._  
_The toil of all that be_  
_Helps not the primal fault;_  
_It rains into the sea,_  
_And still the sea is salt._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and Kudos are highly appreciated!
> 
> Seriously though, please let me know what you think. It means a lot! :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh finally another update! The other chapters will be here very quickly, I promise! 
> 
> All mistakes are mine. Enjoy! :)

Kara doesn't like the connotations that sport has in their society, doesn't like that they seemingly have to be male dominated, doesn't like cricket. It's agitating enough already, almost too much to bear, and Michael's inability to stop talking about it for more than a few seconds just reassures Kara in her beliefs. It's no surprise that she shudders internally whenever she thinks about how they're going to spend the day, whenever she thinks about having to watch Michael and other men play this game in the most mind-numbing way for hours.

The only thing that is able to actually improve her mood is Alex, standing next to her and already looking like she’d rather be anywhere else as well. Though her sister, admittedly, seems to be more composed, is actually rather good at acting polite and interested while she pretends to be listening to another one of Michael's rambles. Kara, once again, doesn’t find it in herself to blame him, even when he then has the audacity to keep talking when Lena opens the door and welcomes them in. She is the second thing that Kara actually looks forward to that day, that improves her mood, notably so. And if it hadn't been for Lena's beautiful dress and the way Kara is quite literally unable to tear her eyes away from her, the blonde would have been angry, would have told Michael how impolite he is being while Lena is nothing but something that Kara thinks comes dangerously close to perfection. She doesn’t let herself finish the thought, still unable to comprehend what it is about Lena that draws her in like it does, what compels her to be as close as possible to the other woman. 

Alex doesn't chastise Michael either, like she probably felt the urge to, watches Lena's and Kara's interaction with intense interest instead. She can't help but wonder what their new found friendship is all about when Lena welcomes Kara warmly while she doesn't regard her or Michael with more than a quick smile, a tiny fraction of her attention before her eyes are back on Kara. The way her sister quite literally lights up as soon as she has something else but Michael to focus on, a gorgeous dark-haired woman, that is, is what keeps Alex from saying anything, what prompts her to keep her thoughts to herself where she thinks they belong. For now, at least. Though she understand that she’ll have to question Kara about this whole situation, eventually, when they’re alone without any prying eyes and ears to be bothered by. 

It's not like either of them have much time to think about it anyways, in this moment, considering Lena is already leading them through long corridors and out into the garden, the one Kara had been talking about ever since she first saw it. It’s almost as big and colorful as Kara described and illustrated it, but Alex thinks that her love for this place had caused some words of hers to be slightly exaggerated. Some drawings as well, the endless poems she’s written about it. She also can’t help but wonder if all of those pieces of art might have been about something else entirely. 

Michael leaves them to join some of the men that have already started playing without as much as another word but Kara can't find it in herself to actually care enough, stays next to Lena instead. Lena, who seems to be more offended by Michael’s actions than Kara herself, a disbelieving expression settling on her face as she watches him take off and places a gentle hand on the blonde’s arm. Lena being this close prompts a series of thoughts that Kara could go without, but one of them wonders about the book she had borrowed, wants to ask her about the poem that she’s left for her and if she liked it, if it made her feeling anything like she did while writing it. But then Kara is still intimidated, Alex is right next to them and apart from that they are approaching two women that are already looking into their direction, seemingly having awaited them. Lena introduces them as Sam and Jess, tells Kara and Alex that they’re both working for her, that they’ve become her best friends and though Kara is still not looking forward to this afternoon, spending time with these women actually sounds rather enjoyable, especially when the first conversation Kara gets to hear is something that resonates deeply with her.

"I've never been too fond of watching cricket," Sam starts as soon as both sisters have settled down next to them, her voice laced with a somewhat cocky undertone as her eyes gaze towards the field that has been set up, filled with men who act like they know what they are doing. "Actually, I think it is the most tiring thing one can experience." 

A carefree laugh escapes Lena's lips and she shakes her head in amusement, all of which causes Kara's heart to flutter, causes her eyes to drift towards the other woman once again. She's only been here for a few minutes but she can already tell that she might prefer this version of Lena to the one she had first met over dinner, incredibly more beautiful and not holding back any of her laughter, looking genuinely happy around her friends and positively stunning in her sundress. But then Kara can also feel a flush creeping up her neck just thinking about that first night, how polite Lena had been, how confident and accepting and absolutely exhilarating. How she had been able to unsettle Michael with nothing but her words and some well-intended looks. And Kara thinks that she might have to rethink her earlier thought, thinks that Lena is beautiful and enthralling no matter what. 

"Now now, Sam, don't let Frank hear that. He's going to be devastated." Lena is polite, still, as she always is, but Kara can also tell that she's trying to hold back another burst of laughter and it causes her own lips to jolt upwards. 

"And why would I care about his feelings?" Sam asks, a smirk having found its way onto her lips. She's still looking at the men, then grins when she finally turns around to face them, Lena in particular. "Who said I care about him at all?" 

It has turned into some kind of challenge now, Kara can tell as much, watches as Lena dismisses Sam’s words with a chuckle and a shake of her head, apparently having none of it. “I can’t believe you’re still holding a grudge against him, Sam. And simply because of that one comment?” 

Kara wants to ask, wants to ask about the comment, can imagine that it must have been something similar to the careless words that leave Michael’s lips every now and then. And she is almost relieved when Sam deprives her of the chance to actually ask out loud instead of pondering over it in her mind, of having to wonder whether it would be considered impolite or not, by speaking up once again. 

“Not because of his words, Lena. Because he is a man.” 

They all laugh, then, and Kara laughs along for she thinks that they all dislike men for the exact same reasons she does, that they despise how society deems them to be the preferred sex, that they have so much more rights than women do. It causes a rush of comfort to wash over Kara, feeling less alone, feeling less conflicted about her opposing emotions towards Michael. Or the lack thereof. Of course she misses the way they all smirk at each other knowingly, misses the obvious joke that lies in the air, thick and representing their truth. Kara doesn’t understand, keeps laughing nonetheless. When Sam then turns to regard Alex with a gentle smile, Kara misses that too. And when their hands connect for the shortest amount of time, Kara is too busy noting how Lena, again, looks like she knows something that the blonde herself doesn’t. It’s intimidating, still, the way she seems to be able to look right through everyone, but Kara would gladly let her do just that if Lena could provide her with any amount of clarity as to why she feels so giddy whenever their eyes meet.

//

In the end, Kara finds the whole afternoon to be even more delightful and fun than she had previously hoped it was going to be. In between trying to prevent her eyes from staying on Lena for too long and the way she can easily fall in a comfortable conversation with all of them there is not a lot of room for her to worry about simple things like she usually does, or to think about Michael. Even when Sam or Jess look at her in a funny way every now and then and even when some of their comments seem to hold something that she doesn’t quite get, she feels calm with Lena by her side, stops trying to figure out why she can’t comprehend some of their jokes, instead relishes the way they bring out a dimpled smile on Lena’s face. Kara also finds that Lena’s friends are like Alex in many regards, impossibly caring and always ready to tease, to mock in a playful way. Annoying, too, in a way that Lena seems to be fond of and Kara can’t even begin to explain how comforting it feels for her to know that the dark-haired woman has people who truly care about her. She tries to suppress the little sting that is seemingly trying to remind her of unspeakable thoughts whenever one of them touches Lena, looks at her longer than necessary. Kara has not the slightest idea where those notions come from, doesn’t know what they mean, but she is apprehensive to voice them either way, thinks it better to just be quiet. 

And still, in her comfortable state it only takes a ball slowly rolling towards her on the grass, coming to a halt right in front of her feet, for her to take action, for a mischievous smile to form on her lips and for her to get up, determined. 

“Kara, what are you doing?” Alex asks, her voice wavering as though she might not want to ask the question in the first place, might not want to hear the answer. 

Kara doesn’t say anything, at first, simply takes the ball and strolls over to where the men are looking for it, to where they’ve been playing cricket. She knows they’re not expecting her to walk up there. Nobody expects Kara, dressed in pants and a button-up shirt, a bow-tie that matches the hat she had borrowed from Michael, and it only causes her smile to broaden. She had wanted to play all day, had wanted to join them instead of having to sit there and act like she didn’t have the capacity to just walk up there and do just that. Her fingers had been itching to from the moment she had seen them play and even though she knows she might not be supposed to do this, she does. She does, unable to care about the ridiculous rules they all seem to gladly follow, just like she turns her head, grins at the other women over her shoulder. 

“What I’m doing? I believe that to be quite obvious, don’t you?” Her eyes meet Lena’s as she speaks, as if she hopes to get some reaction from her in particular. “I’m playing cricket.” 

And she does, get a reaction. Gets a raised eyebrow and an intrigued smirk, feels oddly proud when Lena actually seems to be impressed. And she suddenly feels bold enough to hold her gaze, even, while her sister and Lena’s friends study their interaction with interest, want to figure out what their relationship means just as much as Kara herself does. They seem to have a lot more clarity than her already, but it doesn’t anger the blonde, not when Lena is looking at her like this, a challenging expression settling on her face, as though she had been waiting for Kara to do something as socially unacceptable as this. It’s exactly what Kara needs, what spurs her on to follow through with this. She’d been quite sure already, would have done it either way, but there’s an added factor of excitement, knowing that Lena will be watching. Maybe cheer her on, even. And Kara can hear them laugh once she turns around again, can hear how surprised they are that, yes, she is actually doing this. 

Lena looks after her in a way she knows must be obvious, but her eyes seem to be glued to the blonde’s figure and she quite literally can’t tear them away. It’s only when Sam jabs her in the ribs, quite violently so but in a teasing manner nonetheless, that she is able to face them instead. She raises her eyebrows immediately when she sees their knowing expressions, tries to shrug them off as though she hadn’t just been caught staring. 

“So that is the infamous Kara you constantly talk about?” Lena can’t believe Jess actually has the audacity to ask, is quite thankful that she had at least waited for Kara to leave. Her cheeks turn red immediately and she knows that it is not only for the fact that Alex is with them, seems to regard her with a questioning look. 

Lena suddenly feels the urge to go play cricket herself, to get out of this situation, to jump into the lake, even. She thinks that those actions would most likely be a lot more enjoyable than being humiliated like this, but she knows that neither Sam nor Jess are going to keep their mouths shut. And so she does the only thing she hopes might be able to distract them from her very noticeable feelings towards the other woman, hides behind a layer of ignorance for all of their sakes. 

“I do not talk about her, Jess. She is merely a friend, she’s…” Lena almost scoffs, drifts off upon realizing that she won’t come all that far with ignorance, not when Kara is, once again, out there, being nothing but her true self. And she’s so good at it, too, causes Lena to lose focus, causes her cheeks to heat up even more. The words leave her mouth all by themselves before she manages to hold them back, realizing how inappropriate they could seem to people that know her this well. “She’s quite something.” 

Lena is sure that if Alex had missed the implication on first glance, she definitely would have been quite sure now thanks to her friend’s obvious giggling. And she can’t help but look over to Alex, can’t help but wonder what the woman might think of her, a part of her desperately hoping that she likes her, even if it’s just for the fact that she seems to be so vastly important to Kara. Though Alex’s expression is nothing like she had expected. It is quite confused, yes, but all Lena can see is the amusement that seems to be sparkling in her eyes and for once she is thankful that not all Danvers’ seem to be oblivious. Lena thinks she must know, that it must be quite obvious for her as well considering she’s still sitting painfully close to Sam. 

“Oh, she certainly is.” Jess agrees with Lena who couldn’t care less about all of the teasing when they sound notably impressed, too. She is quite happy that the blonde seems to have that reaction on everyone, that the amount of naive confidence and the way it makes her feel isn’t something that only she projects on her. “She also might just b- winning! She’s winning!”

Lena doesn’t know what Jess talks about at first, doesn’t understand the sudden change of subject, but she soon follows all of their eyes, excited and bright, and she gets why they are so thrilled. Because Jess is right, Kara is winning. She’s only joined the game a few minutes ago and she has already proven herself to be better than all of the men that had been so sure of themselves, is already on her way to what is a certain win. And all Lena can think about is how incredibly easy it looks when Kara does it, how incredibly flawless and nonchalant Kara is being. It almost embarrasses Lena, how fond she has already become of Kara. 

//

It merely takes a few more minutes for Kara to actually win and even then it still looks like she’s taking her sweet time, so nonchalant and easy she almost seems to do it on purpose, to torture her husband to be by being so blatantly better than him. Though, when Kara finally makes her way back to them, Lena finds that she looks nothing but naive and genuinely happy, her dazzling smile as bright as ever. 

And so Lena meets her halfway to the cricket field, tries to get as much distance between the two of them and her friends as though she knows she might not be able to hide her blush if she can practically feel them trying to hold back their laughter as well as some inappropriate comments. But even without her friends making it harder for her, Lena nervously fumbles with the single flower she’s delicately holding in her hand, feels more like Kara than she ever imagined possible. Her confidence is wavering notably and she feels incredibly sheepish, almost shy, even. She’s not used to the feeling, entirely blames it on how beautiful Kara looks in this moment and awkwardly holds out the flower for her to take. 

Seeing that Kara’s cheeks turn red right away aids to calm Lena down at least a tiny bit, helps her to once again put on a mask of confidence she is sure even someone as innocent as Kara will be able to look through. 

“F-for me?” Kara asks, wide-eyed, disbelief evident in both her voice and her expression. 

And Lena simply nods, with a light chuckle, thanks herself for still being able to play charming, to at least act like she knows what she’s doing, practically courting Kara in front of everyone. Of course neither of them care enough to actually tear their eyes away from each other and to take note of how incredibly shocked Michael looks, how some of the other men are smirking, how none of them take the gesture as serious as they do themselves. “For you, yes. You won, after all. I must say I am quite impressed.” 

Kara feels almost lightheaded when she finally takes the flower, carefully as though it means everything to her. Perhaps it does. And she gasps, really studies it for the first time, tenderly caresses the lilac and white petals she knows mean patience, mean charm and innocence. She wonders if Lena knows the meaning, if she has picked this flower in particular for a reason, to say something they both know is dangerous to put in words. Even Kara can tell as much, promises Lena to cherish it forever. 

Though she gives up thinking it might be nothing but a simple and painful coincidence when she thinks about the myths she used to read about, realizes how incredibly similar the story of said flower is to the poem she’s written onto the pages of Lena’s astronomy book. She thinks of falling stars, thinks of rain and tears and how the flower aster had supposedly come to be. 

And still, Kara thinks, the sea is salt. 

And still, this shouldn’t feel as right as it does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, comments and kudos are highly appreciated. 
> 
> They do mean a lot, even if I don't always have time to reply to them. They're what keeps me motivated to write, so please don't hold back with anything you might have to say about this! Thanks! :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally another update!! The rest of this fic should be uploaded by the end of next week! 
> 
> All mistakes are mine. Enjoy! :)

Kara doesn’t particularly understand why Michael and Jack decide to go out for drinks together, the chemistry between the two of them practically non-existent. They barely have any shared interests, have barely talked to each other the few times they’ve met thanks to Michael’s and Lena’s business plans. Not that Kara minds, is rather enjoying the evening she gets to spend with her sister instead, their shared time always showing to be much more entertaining than when she spends it with Michael, their talks much more profound and complex, more serious than anything she believes her fiancé to be able to comprehend. There’s a sense of guilt whenever she thinks about him like that, like she’s not any better than him when all she does is complain quietly, but it’s hard to pay any mind to said feelings when Alex is with her, always very vocal and eager to share her opinions on Michael. She never shies away from expressing her thoughts about him and Kara, never missing an opportunity to put her worries into words, to let Kara know that she’s less than convinced the two of them are meant to be. Kara agrees, silently, shrugs her sister off without necessarily denying her words nonetheless.

And yet Michael is the last thing she seems to be able to think about that particular day, her thoughts wandering towards Lena far more often than necessary or wanted. It comes quite natural to her, by now, thinking about Lena, constantly admiring her and her confidence. She keeps looking at the dried flower that is now lying on her desk, too, next to endless of poems she swears are not about Lena, the petals now incredibly fragile and yet so beautiful, still. She still cherishes it completely, like she had promised to, the flower having become one of her most important and valued possessions, something she looks at for inspiration, something she looks at on bad days, something that never fails to cheer her up notably.

Though she feels that one particular thought in regards to Lena won’t leave her mind anytime soon, not that night at least, not until she finds out what it is about. She feels as though the dark-haired woman might be behind Jack’s and Michael’s meet up and she is not sure why, is eager to find out.

Another thing she can’t quite comprehend are Alex’s very direct and persistent questions. While Kara is sitting at her desk, desperately trying to work on some of her sketches, Alex is lying on her bed, staring at the ceiling and asking questions that the blonde has not the slightest idea how to answer. Most of them are about Lena, are about the flower and that day in her garden, about her obvious feelings towards the other woman, the way they had interacted with each other. Alex seems so sure in her assumption that there must be something more, something that Kara isn’t telling her. And Kara herself is at a loss for words, really, all of the thoughts coming to her mind messy and scary. There are things she fears to say out loud, even when no one but Alex is listening. She’s quite sure that even if she tried, she wouldn’t have been able to put them in words in the first place, unable to comprehend what they mean, unable to comprehend what her sister is trying to get at.

And Kara is just about to finally ask Alex to change subjects for good, to tell her that she herself doesn’t know any more than what she had already disclosed to her, that she will never be able to explain why exactly Lena makes her feel like she’s drowning in a feeling she never thought possible. That she will never be able to explain why being with Lena is all she seems to crave, all of a sudden, the longing feeling when they’re not with each other almost painful and too much to bear. That she will never be able to explain how something like simple admiration for someone who seems to be incredibly smart and interesting had turned into something that feels bigger, feels more, feels dangerous.

She’s saved by a simple knock on the front door, one that makes her perk up and tilt her head in confusion, one that causes her to regard Alex with a questioning look, as though the other woman might know who could possibly be at their doorstep at this time, unannounced. But Alex seems to be just as, if not more, clueless than Kara herself and so they don’t have any other options but to open the door, both of them growing even more bewildered when they’re faced with a man they’ve never met before, a rather elegant looking carriage right behind him on the street.

“Miss Kara Danvers?” the older man asks before Kara even gets the chance to voice her confusion, but his smile seems nice enough that she trusts him immediately. Unlike Alex, who barely just manages to hold her back from stepping outside to greet him right away, much more concerned about this surprise visit than her sister who she believes to be too naive at times. 

“Yes?” Kara asks nonetheless, shoots him a dazzling and excited smile for reasons Alex can’t quite comprehend, though she’s glad that her nervous state seems to have an impact on the younger woman. Because, really, Alex’s apprehension about the situation is all that seems to hold Kara back from immediately stepping into the carriage.

“Miss Luthor sent me here to pick you up.” It makes sense to Alex, now, why Lena had wanted Kara’s fiancé and Jack to go out together, though the blonde doesn’t seem to put the pieces together just yet. Her smile only broadening upon making the realization that this means getting to spend more time with the woman she’s been longing to meet again ever since the game of cricket she had won for her sake only, having wanted to impress her. For a reason unfathomable to her, but no one else. “She says you don’t have any obligations to come, but that she would find it rather pleasant if you wished to accompany her this evening.”

It’s all Kara needs to hear to make a decision, to smile apologetically at her sister, to ask her whether it would be okay if she left her alone. And Alex almost wants to say no, but the genuine happiness she can so clearly make out in Kara’s eyes is impossible to resist and so she simply nods, tells Kara to be safe and lets her go. 

//

Lena greets her at the door of her huge mansion just a few minutes later and Kara catches herself wondering whether the other woman does this for everyone, doesn’t quite know why it matters so much to her. Though she doesn’t ask, Lena’s dazzling smile when she sees that Kara had indeed decided to join her all the blonde can focus on in that moment. It’s something that leaves her unable to form coherent thoughts let alone words and it is quite scary, considering that she is a writer and words are what she does best, what she usually tends to use to express her emotions with. Still, her mind blanks in that moment and it seems to amuse the woman in front of her, who then proceeds to link their arms together as she leads them to the living room. 

It is only once they arrive there that Kara builds up the courage to speak, still surprised that Lena had asked her to spend time with her in the first place, had gone out of her way to make sure she was going to get there safely. 

And yet her first word is anything but eloquent, a simple and quite sheepish “hi” to greet Lena. Her cheeks heat up upon realizing that Lena’s only response is going to be a quiet chuckle and a shake of her head before she offers her drinks and food and everything Kara doesn’t need in the moment. She has to admit that she feels quite nervous, nauseous, even. She feels longing again, too, as if there’s something that she wants, something that she needs but can’t quite reach yet, can’t understand, not in her current state of mind, not when Lena is this close and at the same time so incredibly far away. 

It feels surreal, when the other woman decides to just pull her into a nonchalant conversation as though this night is anything but extraordinary, as if her request for Kara to join her in the mansion had seemed quite normal to Lena. And Kara realizes that perhaps it had, that perhaps it is, that perhaps she is the only one projecting things onto this situation that aren’t there to begin with, that she’s making this complicated for no reason instead of just letting herself enjoy it. 

And yet she only grows more comfortable when Lena brings up something that she is truly passionate about, something she knows how to talk about, namely the book she had borrowed a while ago, had returned shortly thereafter, with a personal message that she now suddenly feels had revealed too much about the inner thinkings of her mind. But all Lena does is thank her for the words, tells her how incredibly talented she thinks Kara is, how much she had enjoyed finally getting to read some of her work and how deeply it had resonated with her. Though she certainly doesn’t tell Kara about how much the words had really meant to her, doesn’t tell Kara that they had truly changed how she looks at the stars, now unable to think about anything but blonde hair and a bashful smile while doing so. 

And so Kara doesn’t get to tell her that she feels the same, tells her how much she loves stargazing anyways, asks Lena if it is a pastime she enjoys as well. She’s almost shocked when Lena tells her that yes, she does look at the stars, but only briefly and not as thoroughly for it to be considered stargazing. 

It’s how they end up in Lena’s garden again, Kara basically dragging her there with a new found confidence that only ever comes to the surface whenever she can feel thoroughly certain about her knowledge, whenever she knows that she might be able to tell Lena things that she doesn’t know yet, to enrich the other woman’s mind with her own ideas and things that she is passionate about. Luckily one of those things is the night sky and they both can’t help but smile softly upon realizing that while it is pitch black despite said stars, the air is still warm, some birds still singing a peaceful melody that sets the scene for their intimate evening. 

They decide to move farther away, too, away from all of the lights shining through the windows from inside to somewhere dark, a place where they can look at the stars in peace, can properly follow the constellations that Kara immediately starts talking about. She shows her where to find Sirius, the brightest star visible in the otherwise dim night sky, while they’re still standing. She shows her some more while she lays down on the soft grass and motions for Lena to do the same with a gentle smile, explains that it will notably enhance the experience that stargazing is and it causes the other woman to chuckle. She complies nonetheless, listens to Kara while she shows her more constellations, tells her their stories, tells her about greek mythology and everything she knows about it, her arm held up high, eager fingers pointing out the characters that star in the legends she knows so much about. She seems to know them all, could easily talk about them for hours on end. The sheer passion that her words are laced with impress Lena, just like Kara’s knowledge itself, and yet she keeps looking at those blue eyes instead of the stars ahead, simply can’t help herself. 

It’s impossible not to look, not to watch Kara as she rambles on about stories that clearly mean the world to her, eyes brighter than any star Lena had been able to make out that night. 

And so they stay in this position for what feels like hours, lying on the grass, arms touching comfortably, Kara telling her everything she knows until even she has to admit that she doesn’t know it all, that she used to make up her own legends instead, that she used to add layers to the stories she already knew. And Kara tells her about those too, tells her about landscapes, tells her about forests and oceans far too great to be true, tells her about all of the adventures she can picture so clearly in her mind. Lena thinks they’re impossibly more beautiful than anything the greeks could have told each other, and if it was just for Kara’s soft voice whispering them so clearly. 

Karra mirrors Lena, then, finally faces her as well when the comfortable silence between them becomes too much to bear. Of course the blonde is thankful for the darkness, her cheeks heating up as soon as she realizes that the other woman is already looking at her, her lips jolting upwards. And it’s only then that both of them realize what situation they’ve really found themselves in, under the stars, feeling incredibly comfortable in each other’s presence, happy just to be. Just to look at each other, gently, Kara’s wide eyes finding Lena’s calm ones, finding an anchor she can hold onto before she loses herself in the stars. Before she loses herself in legends and fantasies, unable to process the reality of Lena being this close to her and what it causes her to feel, the warmth that rushes over her in pleasant waves. 

Lena doesn’t intimidate her anymore, causes her to smile instead. And for the first time Kara doesn’t feel scared. Doesn’t feel scared of what this might mean. And she relishes the feeling, even if she knows that it most likely won’t last long, that it can’t. 

“I can’t believe you’ve never done this,” the blonde whispers, finally, her eyes never leaving Lena’s even though there are quite literally thousands of other stars she could be looking at. 

Though it’s Lena who eventually turns on her back first, closes her eyes as a soft chuckle escapes her lips. “Would you believe me if I told you that my parents were quite strict while I was growing up? I didn’t exactly have a lot of freedom or the possibilities to just leave the house whenever I want as to partake in such mundane activities.” 

“It’s not mundane,” Kara scoffs, though she’s not quite able to comprehend why the idea of Lena never having been able to do anything like this makes her as angry as it does. It’s none of her business, nothing that she could change anyways and so she is incredibly thankful for the soft hand that finds her own, even if she can’t help but grow nervous again when Lena intertwines their fingers. It is a nice kind of nervous, the one that makes her stomach flutter, makes her want to be even closer to the other woman. 

“I know, darling,” Lena reassures her sweetly, her thumb soothingly stroking the back of Kara’s hand. “I know.” 

“What about since you’ve become an adult, since you’ve been living alone? Did you never-” Only then it occurs to Kara that the questions might be too personal, still, that Lena might not want to answer it, that it might even bother her. And so she doesn’t voice the rest of her thoughts, her wondering, leaves them unspoken instead. It almost surprises her when the dark-haired woman answers nonetheless, though rather vaguely dismissing it.

“Oh, Kara, dear. We can’t all be as carefree and bold as you are. We can’t all be ourselves.” 

//

Kara thinks the first rays of sunshine must soon appear behind the horizon for as long as the two of them have been talking, unashamedly so. Sharing stories about their childhood, their ideals, everything that they believe in, everything that made them who they are today. And the great respect Kara has for Lena, for a stranger she can clearly see is incredibly smart, turns into something else entirely the longer they talk to each other. Though Kara also thinks Lena might be on the verge of throwing up when she tells her about her favorite food. In the end thinking about the sickly sweet Plum Duffs only causes Lena to make fun of her, to mock her for the child that she still is sometimes. It’s surprising that the statement doesn’t anger Kara, who prides herself on being knowledgeable and mature in most situations, though of course knows that Lena is somewhat right, playfully sticks her tongue out at the other woman instead. 

“What is your favorite color?” Lena asks in response, still wanting to learn more about the younger woman, wanting to know everything. 

“Yellow. Yellow and green,” Kara smiles, adds the green as an afterthought upon locking eyes with Lena once again. She desperately hopes the other woman doesn’t notice the innuendo for that she wouldn’t be able to explain herself even if she tried, but Lena is too busy basking in the silent victory of having guessed right, of not being surprised that someone as sweet as Kara must like colors just as beautiful and innocent. 

“Of course,” she chuckles softly, proceeds to explain herself when Kara regards her with a questioning look and tilts her head in confusion. “It’s just, sometimes I think that you feel like yellow. You’re so- so bright and warm.” 

Kara is barely able to believe how vulnerable Lena sounds, how soft her voice and how daring her words are. It causes her to shift closer, causes her lips to form a tender smile. And she wants to know more, too, wants to get to know this side of Lena, the side that lies under the stars and speaks the truth. 

“What is yours?” the blonde asks in return, and when Lena’s answer is blue, Kara doesn’t even dare to hope that her choice has anything to do with the complexion of her eyes, wonders if she was thinking of the vibrant sky of a beautiful summer day instead. 

//

The long awaited first rays of sunshine decide to let the two women wait a little longer, still, but Kara can see the sky turn lighter already, in the distance, can see it slowly turning purple and orange. The excitement is what eventually leads her to get up, her whole body awake and not tired in the slightest, still buzzing with the thrill that is being with Lena, getting to know her better, alone and without anyone else to worry about. She feels honored, almost, feels as though she must have done something incredible in the past to deserve this, to deserve a friend like her. And she wants to ponder over it, too, wants to relish the way Lena’s eyes are following her as she walks over to the lake, crouches down and brushes her hand through the still warm water. 

The ripples on its dark surface remind her of that one afternoon, remind her of how incredibly beautiful it had been, remind her of sketching Lena, of spending what felt like hours just studying her, in amazement and wonder. And there’s an idea forming in her head, as she watches the droplets slowly cascade down her arm, her thoughts bold and somewhat insane, the smile on her lips mischievous. 

“Would it be disrespectful of me to assume that you’ve never swam in this lake?” She asks, still watching the reflected stars on the surface of the water, turns around, then, when Lena simply laughs. She supposes the question itself had probably still been too specific, can hear the mocking undertone in the other woman’s laugh, remembers their earlier conversation. “Or any lake for that matter?” 

“I haven’t, no. Mother used to think that it is quite the waste of time, she-” Lena comes to an abrupt halt, her eyes turning as wide as only Kara’s usually do, something she now finds overwhelming rather than endearing. It’s, however, not like there’s anything she can do about it, not when Kara casually motions for her to keep talking while she unbuttons her shirt as though it is the most ordinary thing to do. In the middle of the night, with Lena right by her side, watching her every move. It is no wonder that the dark-haired woman’s usual confidence dissolves quickly, now unable to think clearly, unable not to ask. “K-kara? What are you doing?” 

The only response she gets, at first, is another mischievous grin, Kara’s shirt now unbuttoned and revealing delicate skin that Lena barely manages to tear her eyes away from. It becomes rather impossible, becomes absolutely torturous when Kara’s pants go next. And Lena thanks the greek gods in the stars that whatever Kara is doing, she’s at least going to do it in her undergarments. It almost helps, though she still has to sit up, has to pinch herself in order to figure out whether this is really happening. She feels rather dull, too, feels as though she can’t keep up while everything seems to be so obvious to the other woman. 

“I’m going swimming.” Kara’s dazzling beam would have been contagious if Lena wasn’t feeling dizzy for another reason entirely, the blonde woman in front of her incredibly gorgeous, incredibly bold and just as innocent. Lena can only watch as she slowly steps into the water, caresses her toes through it first before she dares to go any further. The sight is exhilarating, Kara so bashful and pure that Lena almost feels bad for looking at her the way she does. For seeing the scene in front of her as nothing but the breathtaking vision that it is, for acknowledging the warmth that seems to radiate off of Kara, for acknowledging how wonderfully long her legs are. Lena almost wants to deem it a new art form, the way Kara is being so unapologetically herself, once again, the way her smile almost makes her forget that the sun isn’t shining yet. 

And in the midst of things she forgets to come up with an answer, forgets that doing so is expected of her. Would have usually been, at least, in an ordinary conversation. But then nothing about this night is normal, not even Kara who seems to be the only thing she can now hold onto. 

And then Kara’s shirt is gone, too, and she’s looking at Lena so expectantly, is looking at her with big eyes and that same sunny beam. She bites her lip before she speaks, building up the courage for the bold words that are about to follow. “Aren’t you going to join me?” 

Of course Lena is hesitant, knows she should be, looks back at the mansion with a worried look as though someone might be watching them, as though what she is about to do is inherently wrong. And perhaps it is. Not the action itself, but Lena’s intentions, her gaze that she wants to describe as prying even though all she does is admire the other woman, for who she really is. For every flaw, every little imperfection that looks so tender in the dim morning light. She is no predator, just like Kara is no prey, is perfectly capable of handling herself, perfectly responsible for the things she does, if not impulsively. 

And there is nothing inherently wrong about something as beautiful as love, she thinks, as she complies. 

//

Of course it’s not that easy. Nothing ever is. Though Lena finds that getting out of her formal dress and the corset underneath might be a bigger challenge that she had previously thought it to be. And so her new found confidence in the situation wavers ever so slightly, more time to think about it also meaning more time to question it, more time to study Kara. It’s obvious to Lena that this isn’t going to happen again, that this is crazy and bold and everything she usually resents, has learned to resent. And so she does the only thing she knows to be beneficial, asks Kara for help before the other girl combusts by trying so hard not to offer it. 

“Would you mind helping me out of this, Kara? I usually have Jess for situations like this, but I doubt either of us would necessarily want to have her here with us right now.” Lena’s voice sounds more certain than she feels, her words almost teasing and acknowledging things they had tried to ignore before, had tried not to think about. 

“I would love nothing more, milady.” Kara grins at her, all dimples and playful, and Lena is happy her teasing had apparently inspired the other woman. She, however, supposes that Kara is just as nervous as she is herself, using humor to make up for it and to make all of this easier to bear. And yet Lena can’t help but fall in love with this version of Kara. 

Lena is out of her dress in seconds and she believes that if it hadn’t been for soft and wet fingers torturously caressing her warm skin, if it hadn’t been for the goosebumps they had caused to erupt and if she didn’t know just how innocent Kara really is, she might have made a joke or two about how skilled she seems, in getting women out of their dresses. Their corsets, too, without ever making them feel uncomfortable, wandering fingers nothing but accidents that cause her cheeks to heat up. 

And then they’re both in their undergarments, both vulnerable and yet excited. Kara especially, already back in the water, everything up to her hip now invisible to Lena. And she’s smiling at her again, regarding her with a questioning look as though she is asking what Lena is waiting for. Kara waves her closer with her hand and Lena complies immediately, is almost embarrassed about how fast she gets to the lake, all of a sudden. Though she once again comes to a halt right when her feet are about to touch the water, her determination to really do this as uncertain as her reflection on the dark surface of the lake. 

Fortunately Kara is right there with her, eyes notably warmer than the water that Lena is still dreading. 

“Have you never wanted to do this? Have you never wanted to have an adventure of your own, outside of your mind?” the blonde asks as she walks in further, laughs loudly when she splashes water at Lena, as if to prove her point. “Come on, this is fun!”

And Lena believes her, takes one last deep breath before she joins Kara and lets the water engulf her completely. 

It merely takes a few more minutes for Kara to splash water at her a second time, but it’s different this time when Lena is out to get her revenge. And soon they’re both laughing, wet from head to toe. They feel like children, almost, being nothing but silly as they watch the sun rise slowly. And Lena feels that Kara is warmer, still, their wet skin touching ever so slightly much more calming and comforting than the certainty that a new day is to come. 

// 

They let their bodies and hair dry in the morning sun, lying on the soft grass, their hands intertwined. Both of them finally feel exhausted, too, in the best way possible. And though all Kara wants is to curl up and fall asleep right there next to Lena, the other woman soon offers to take her home. She insists on it, even, Kara finds when she tries to reassure her that she can get home all by herself. Lena is having none of it, sits down in the carriage next to her as soon as they have gotten dressed again and successfully dodged any questions her servants or her coachman might have for them. 

And they seem to be drawn to each other, still, barely letting go of each other throughout the ride, almost mourning when they arrive just a few minutes later. And yet Kara doesn’t expect it when Lena gets out with her, walks her to the door and places a chaste kiss to the back of her hand, in the most charming way. 

Her cheeks are still burning when she enters their apartment and she is glad when she finds that Michael is passed out on the bed. She suspects that alcohol is still running through his veins and preventing him from waking up, suspects that he and Jack had entirely too much to drink since he would have looked for her otherwise, like he ought to. 

And for the first time she is incredibly thankful for how inattentive he sometimes is. 

//

He doesn’t wake up, not even when Kara doesn’t go to bed right away, feeling too restless, still. 

Instead, she sits down at her desk, writes a poem as the rays of sunshine filtering through their small window warm her skin. And she will forever deny thinking about dark hair and green eyes as she does so. And she will forever be frightened of what those words might imply.

_She clasps the crag with crooked hands;_   
_Close to the sun in lonely hands_   
_Ring’d with the azure world, she stands._

_The wrinkled sea beneath her crawls;_   
_She watches from her mountain walls,_   
_And like a thunderbolt she falls,_   
_(in love.)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and Comments are highly appreciated :) 
> 
> Seriously, please let me know what you think! It's what keeps me going! :)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The masquerade ball, finally!! All mistakes are mine. 
> 
> Enjoy! :)

The annual masquerade ball is something that Kara has never spent much time thinking about, having thought it to be nothing more but a superfluous ceremony for the wealthiest of the town, an excuse for them to meet up with other people that are just as obnoxious and ignorant. An excuse for them to dress up and put on masks as though the disguise would be enough to hide their shallow personalities. Kara had always imagined everyone there to be exactly what she resents so much about their society, rich people complaining about insignificant things and showing off while doing so, as if their ignorance was something to be proud of. Kara deems it her personal definition of hell. 

And still, when Lena asks her and Michael to attend, she immediately agrees wholeheartedly. 

She feels guilty, almost, had wanted to say no, had always promised herself to never become one of them, no matter what. No matter how rich her husband was going to be one day. That idea alone is something she loathes more than anything and so she finds it to be rather ironic that Lena’s green eyes seem so impossible to resist, still. A soft hand resting on her arm having been enough to convince her otherwise, to discard all of her worries and ideals. It feels dangerous, doesn’t matter anymore a second later when Lena smiles brightly, tells her how much fun they are going to have, how happy she’ll be to see her there. 

It’s even more ironic when Kara considers that they’ll be wearing masks. Though she, admittedly, suspects that she’ll find Lena anyways. 

//

It would be a lie to say that Kara isn’t nervous on the day of the ball, having never attended one before. And even though it is something she usually does not worry about, she also finds that she spends more time thinking about what to wear than she ever had before. She knows it technically doesn’t matter, that no one is going to be able to recognize her anyways, but the fear that this one particular person might detect her nonetheless has her wanting to strive for a look that she not only feels comfortable in, but one that could potentially impress a certain dark-haired woman. 

The blonde doesn’t even want to think about how hypocritical she is probably being, suddenly basing her choices on another person, on wanting them to find her beautiful, the whole idea so close to everything she usually dislikes. And yet she can’t find it in herself to blame Lena, knows the other woman doesn’t necessarily like grand events like this either, remembers how happy she’d been to just lie under the stars with her. 

Of course it’s Michael who pulls her out of her thoughts, another ironic occurrence. She can’t quite comprehend what is going on, why she feels so odd all of a sudden, why she feels as though her thoughts are wrong, are unfair towards him.

She watches him as he gets ready, her eyes quickly finding the dress that is now resting on the bed, waiting for her to take it, to put it on and spend the evening looking pretty. She almost feels obliged to do just that, knows it is expected of her, knows she has to look her best either way if she doesn’t want to stand out in the unpleasant crowd of wealthy people. And yet a mischievous grin starts to slowly form on her lips when her eyes swerve towards Michael’s suits instead, and she’s up in a heartbeat. She practically jumps up from her chair, lips still curved upwards as she sneakily moves towards his closet, trying to act nonchalant, to not show her excitement about the idea of wearing one of those instead. 

Of course Michael’s eyes follow her suspiciously, his gaze turning into a dismissive one when he realizes what she is doing. What she is doing again. 

“Kara, my love, what are you doing?” he asks, sounds so disappointed and, in a way, concerned that for a moment Kara feels as though he has forgotten that she is her own person, that she is an adult, that she doesn't need someone to chastise her for making her own choices. 

“I'm not doing anything,” she chirps, her smile still bright enough for him not to notice that it had dimmed down at all. He never pays enough attention to the little things, would rather have her smile be small, but lipstick-clad, would rather have her be uncomfortable but look beautiful in her dress.

“Mike…” she drawls when he doesn't let it go, grabs the collar of his shirt playfully, knows just how to distract him, how to convince him otherwise. She tries to ignore how disappointed he still looks, tries to ignore the step he takes forward, in a rather predatory way. As though intimidating her was going to help the situation, as though guilt was going to make her more comfortable in the dress that he had chosen for her. A choice that he had made his own without her asking her to, without caring what it might mean to her. 

“I bought this for you, Kara. I thought it was to your liking.” 

“It is!” she reassures, too quickly, too determined. She's almost proud of him when he raises his eyebrow, for once able to look right through her. 

And so he dismisses it altogether, dismisses her altogether, rolls his eyes in a way that almost hurts Kara. Almost. And she decides not to dwell on the subject, decides to pretend everything is normal in order for their night to be just that, not wanting to spend the rest of her day fighting with him, having to avoid him at the ball that she is attending with him specifically. She kisses him, a quick peck with a smile on her lips before she snatches the suit, giggles as she darts across the room and finally gets dressed as well. 

//

Kara is still nervous when they attend at the ball, even more so than she had previously been. It is true that she feels notably more comfortable now, dressed in her black suit and disguised by an elegant mask. It doesn’t even occur to her that Michael might feel ashamed of standing next to her, that their appearance might be seen as peculiar for she was being perceived as either a man or a woman in a man’s gown, something that wasn’t necessarily accepted. Not in formal settings like this, at least. 

Though all of her possible worry dissolves as soon as they step into the huge ballroom, where the upper class of town is mingling already, is drinking and dancing. It all seems a little too perfect for Kara, all of them incredibly fashionable and graceful in a faux way that displeases the blonde already. It’s only when she spots Lena, or who she can only assume is Lena, dancing with another disguised someone that must be Jack that she feels some weight being lifted off of her shoulders. Her dress is a light shade of green, one Kara knows compliments her eyes perfectly, even from across the room. It takes her breath away for reasons still unfathomable to her and she is glad for the only dim light in the room, her cheeks heating up immediately. There is something that comes close to a ping of jealousy as well, Kara suddenly self conscious about her choice of outfit, wondering and hoping that Lena will still recognize her like this. Will still find her to be interesting like this. And she is so thankful for this masquerade, so thankful that no one will be able to recognize her, that Michael will be the only one urging her on to keep walking when all she does is stand there and admire the other woman from afar. 

Kara knows that it is expected of them to dance for that they have come there together, but Michael seems to be hesitant about the idea. Kara can guess why, knows her inappropriate outfit and her uncaring demeanor regarding her choice aids to let him feel rather uncomfortable. And it is said choice she knows is responsible for the lack of suitors that seem to be interested in her, that ask her to dance. 

Only later does Kara realize that the suit acts as another trickery entirely, that it is now her responsibility to ask a woman to dance. And she does, finally, when Michael is smoking with some men he had successfully identified as his acquaintances and she is tired of acting as nothing but his partner. 

And so she dances, something she usually isn’t too fond of, feels more comfortable doing now that she is hidden behind a mask, now that no one will know who exactly she is. And she finds it to be rather enjoyable, too, her body moving with the soft music that is playing, in sync with the woman in front of her. She completely dismisses the fact that this might be another reason for her sudden delight, the fact that she is dancing with women that are so delicate and beautiful, that blush when she kisses the back of their hands tenderly in a chivalrous gesture, her new found confidence an asset she now prides herself on. 

It is a completely new experience for Kara, one that is both thrilling and scary at the same time. The consequences of what this night might mean for herself not something she wants to deal with, not something she wants to think about. For now she is just having fun, is exploring, is hoping that Michael is still too busy to look at her, to watch what she is doing and who she is doing it with. She tells herself that there’s nothing wrong with it, believes it when the stranger in front of her smiles at her before she exchanges partners with someone else, like they ought to at formal dances like this. 

And then, just a few minutes later, it is Lena who she gets to hold by the waist, the other woman suddenly appearing right in front of her as if she had waited for Kara to finally be available. It causes a flush to creep up Kara’s neck, the thought that Lena might recognize her, that she might have awaited this moment. And though the blonde still can’t be completely certain, is afraid of what might happen if she is right, the woman in front of her undoubtedly seems to be the dark-haired woman she had befriended over the past few weeks. Her eyes like no one else’s, green like Kara had never seen before. Her delicate skin so painfully familiar, those red lips something she can’t tear her eyes away from. 

It is almost embarrassing how much she had been longing to see her again, to be close to her again, for that their shared night had only been several days prior. And though their current encounter seems uncertain and fragile, not as intimate as they had felt in Lena’s garden, Kara feels like there is something special about this shared moment. Feels like this might lead the way to something more, something she’s been, unbeknownst to herself, looking for. 

And it is no surprise that dancing is yet another thing on the seemingly endless list of activities that Lena can master with such an effortless elegance, all of her movements so delicate and yet powerful. Kara almost feels intimidated again, the knowing and warm smile on Lena’s lips everything that aids to calm her. 

Kara thinks she finally understands why so many people look forward to these events, where they get to dance with pretty women, where they get to hold them, get to watch them move so effortlessly. Events where the rich and noble get to dance with whoever they want to, as long as they are the opposite sex. It’s another thing Kara can’t possibly deem fair in their restricted society, but she shrugs it off with the means of wanting to dance with her best friend. 

And she is, dancing with her best friend. Dancing with Lena. And she can’t comprehend why it makes her blush the way it does, why it replaces her worry with something warm, replaces her new found confidence with a tentative smile, with sheepishness. She feels on fire, feels her skin burn under those green, soothing eyes. And it is so clearly in front of her, the why behind all of this. But it’s too far to reach, still, even when Kara then moves closer, tries to at least act like she is bold. Bold like that night in the lake, bold like that night under the stars. And for now that is all she can do, relish the moment before Lena is gone again. Before she is gone again and leaves her feel empty for reasons unfathomable to her, an emptiness not even Michael’s possessive arms around her waist can fill. 

// 

Kara keeps watching her. Keeps watching Lena wherever she goes that night, hungry eyes drinking her in as she dances with men, as she drinks and jokes with who the blonde can only assume are Sam and Jess. She watches her watching her, too, smiles when their eyes meet and looks away before anyone is able to catch their silent interaction. 

It quickly, too quickly, turns into a game. An exciting cat and mouse game of trying to find each other in the crowd, of keeping their eyes locked in moments that they know they should be paying attention to other things. Heated glances that leave Kara feel uneasy, leave her wanting more. And by the end of it, Kara realizes that she’s never figured out whether she is the mouse or the cat. Trying to catch Lena like a playful feline only to find that knowing eyes are already looking back at her, have already found her long ago, have already lured her into her trap that first night they’ve met, red lips curled into a teasing smirk. 

Kara is well aware that wearing a suit means only getting to dance with a single woman once, means being polite and not asking twice. And yet she finds Lena in her arms again, finds her there several times throughout the evening, finds her even when she is trying so hard to stop looking. It’s inappropriate behavior, but Kara thinks that so is dressing up in a man’s gown and dancing with a woman she admires, and she cannot for the life of her find anything wrong with that. 

It’s only when Lena suddenly takes her hand, when she pulls her out of the ballroom with that same teasing smirk on her lips that Kara questions her own morals, questions Lena’s, questions what they’re doing. And yet the excitement of getting to be alone with the other woman outweighs every worry that might have been occupying her mind before, causes her to follow Lena so willingly. She thinks she might follow her anywhere. And Kara ignores that those are the kind of feelings she reads about in love poems, ignores it even when they find themselves under the stars, in a secluded area where no one will be able to see them. 

“What are we doing here?” Kara asks, speaks for the first time that night, hopes her voice will give her away, at the same time wishes that it might not. Wonders if it would make a difference, wonders if Lena already knows, thinks she must. 

“What do you think, K-... my dear?” Lena almost says her name and Kara knows it. Kara knows it, has heard it clearly, notes the way the other woman had immediately stopped herself. And she nods, simply, agrees that tonight they don’t know each other. That tonight they stay hidden behind layers of masks. That tonight they are strangers. “We are stargazing.” 

“Oh, what a coincidence,” Kara smiles, her voice light and finally carefree again, feeling more like herself now that they’re alone, now that she doesn’t have to fear someone might be watching them. That Michael might be watching them. “I happen to love stargazing more than anything.” 

Kara can clearly make out Lena’s brilliant smile, even though the stars are the only source of light, are the only thing that the blonde doesn’t feel nervous about. She knows them so well, knows their stories, has just started to learn all of those things about the woman in front of her. Feels hesitant around her, still, her own smile matching Lena’s nonetheless. 

And there is absolutely no doubt that the dark-haired woman is exactly who Kara thinks she is when she takes her hand, determined, her smile turning even brighter as she steps closer, points at a star in the distance. Her voice teasing and irresistible. “Did you know that Sirius is the brightest star in the for us visible universe?” 

Her question is another confirmation altogether, another confirmation that she wants Kara to know. That even though their names will be left unspoken that night, they’re still sharing this moment together. They’re still themselves. Lena is still the woman who had listened to her stories, who had followed her into the lake, who had brought her home and kissed her hand chivalrously. She is still the woman that had let her explore her library, that had made her feel accepted and understood for the first time in her life. She is still the woman that Kara craves, the woman that she can never tear her eyes away from. 

It’s bordering on impossible, when Lena takes yet another step closer. 

When she places a soft and comforting hand on her cheek, when she looks at her, questioning eyes wondering if Kara feels it too, if the blonde wants to be closer, closer, closer as well. If Kara feels that magnetic pull as well, their bodies moving closer without their consent, without them being able to fight against it. Without them wanting to fight the beautiful feeling that starts to rush over them in waves. 

And then Lena’s lips are on hers. 

Tentatively so, almost hesitant. Growing bolder when Kara gets ahold of herself and moves her own lips in sync with Lena’s, kisses her back oh so tenderly. And Kara remembers innocently comparing Lena to a sunset, now believes that she is the most breathtaking sunrise instead for she has never felt this warm and alive before. Pulling back is not an option, though Kara knows that it’s definitely something she should consider at one point. Just like she should feel more nervous now, just like she should be questioning this, just like she should be scared, should be frightened of this fragile moment that suddenly means everything. 

Instead, she leans into Lena. Loses herself in Lena. Rejects every compass, every map that would be able to aid her out of this predicament again. She wants this. She wants to understand, wants the realization to break her, wants Lena to fix her. Like she does, so gently and with every fiber of her being. 

And then it’s over. It’s over and Kara wants to cry, wants more, wants to mourn for she knows that she will never experience a moment this beautiful, this heartbreaking ever again.

Not even Lena’s wide smile can mend the bruises it has left on her heart, on her conscience. Can mend the grief that Kara feels slowly settle in her whole being. 

And it is only when she goes home with Michael that night, that she thinks she might finally understand. 

// 

Kara doesn’t ever think about the masquerade ball after that. She doesn’t think about their shared dances or their kiss or how whole Lena had made her feel. Neither does Lena. And it was their fault alone that it had to be that way. Kara wants to blame society, wants to blame Michael and so many other things that aren’t responsible for the terrible situation they have found themselves in. It is their fault alone and even though Kara still can’t comprehend what all of their gentle touches had meant, she knows for certain that it had been their own arrangement that now left her feeling this helpless and lost. 

After all, they had agreed to not know each other that night, had agreed to be nothing but strangers. And one does not think about a stranger weeks after something as simple as a kiss that Kara wants to forget so badly. One does not mourn after a stranger, one does not grief, one does not love. 

One does not visit a stranger, does not talk to a stranger, does not regard a stranger with a smile or a glance. One does not think about the stranger. 

And they don’t, don’t see each other for weeks. Kara stays at home when Michael goes on business dinners with Lena and Jack, comes up with endless of excuses that allow her to work on her paintings instead, that allow her to work on her drawings and poems, all of which have become notably grimmer. Excuses that allow her to avoid Lena like she knew she had to, like she knew Lena wanted her to. 

Kara had tried, after all. Had tried to talk to her with nothing but her usual sheepish demeanor, had acted like she always would. She had been nervous, had been intimidated and had loved being with Lena. She had asked how she was doing, had regarded her with one of her signature smiles, had talked to her about the weather. Had talked to her about the sun and the stars and everything that she was passionate about without once mentioning that night. Like she had thought Lena wanted her to. 

But then the other woman had turned around, had barely listened to her rambling, had seemed distant and cold and everything that Michael usually is to her. 

And Kara doesn’t understand, though she wants to so badly. She wants Lena to talk to her, wants her to tell her that it had all been her fault like she feels it was. She wants the confirmation that their friendship is no longer, that something so beautiful had ruined the only real thing that she had ever experienced. She wants Lena to tell her, wants her to be loud, wants her to scream and finally show more emotion than the faux smiles that Kara can see don’t reach her eyes. 

She falls into a dark hole that is guilt, that is regret, that is questioning and yet never being able to find an answer.

After a while even Michael notices that something isn’t quite right, notices that Kara doesn’t join him to Lena’s place anymore, notices that her paintings aren’t as sunny, notices that her smiles aren’t either. Are non-existant, almost. And Kara figures she must be in it quite deep, if even Michael who is usually nothing but inattentive realizes that she is struggling. Struggling with problems that she can never face him with, that she can never even voice in front of him, or anyone. 

And she thinks that repression is quite the helpful thing when Alex comes to visit ever so often, when Alex visits and Kara feels better again, can pretend that she doesn’t miss her every second that she is awake and breathing. And yet Alex asks her what is going up, voices her concern more than once. 

“Kara, are you alright?” Alex asks over and over again, no matter how many times Kara denies everything that she is so clearly going through, tells her that she is just fine. Alex seems like she wants to believe her so desperately, like she knows exactly what is going on, is just waiting for Kara to finally say the words out loud. She’s barely surprised when Kara doesn’t, writes melancholic poems instead. Ones that she never shows to anyone, ones that she keeps to herself just like the endless list of things she wants to tell Lena, wants to ask her. 

And at one point carefully stringing sad words together seems to be the only thing that manages to keep her sane. 

 

_I regret the end._

_The way we couldn’t_   
_leave one another_   
_without wounds._

_The way we made_   
_it seem as if_  
 _all the love we shared_  
 _was wasted time._

 

And for the first time Kara is certain that she wouldn’t have denied it being a love poem, if someone had just asked. 

//

It all builds up until it comes to a painfully dangerous peak, one that consist of Michael telling her that there is another business dinner, one that she has to attend. He wants her there, wants her to accompany him like she always used to do. He lures her in with a simple whisper that lets her know Lena will probably want her there, too. She doesn’t believe him for a second, but it’s what she had wanted to hear, what she had dreamed of so many nights. And who is she to say no? Who is she to deny her dear fiancé such a simple request? 

And then another question entirely; who is she to do this to Lena? Who is Lena to do this to her? 

She agrees, reluctantly so, still uncertain even in the morning hours of that particular day. 

She is impossibly more nervous than on the day of the masquerade ball, feels like she is wearing another mask entirely. One that makes her look strong, one that manages to hide all of her insecurities, all she’s been thinking about for weeks. It does such a good job of hiding how sad she sometimes feels, too. That is until green eyes meet hers and she feels like falling apart right then and there, right in front of Lena. 

She doesn’t. Not even when Lena leads them to the dining room, when she smiles softly at her in a way that is warmer, yet still doesn’t feel right, still feels distant and like there’s something unspeakable between them. Something that causes dinner to be tense, something that laces every conversation that any of them are having, something that lies in the air, thick and uncomfortable. 

Their shared looks are weak, too, are delicate and fragile, yet strong enough to break both of them. 

At one point it seems unbearable, but Kara has already excused herself to the bathroom three times and is unable to do so again without pulling all of the attention towards her. She’s managed to ignore Jess’s questioning gaze whenever she walked by, whenever she looked like she was about to lose herself in those long corridors, in her own dangerous thoughts. 

Kara feels nauseous, Michael’s hand on her thigh doing nothing to calm her down, almost agitating her even more. She feels as though one little movement, one wrong word, one wrong gaze could set her off. Feels like crying. Feels like she has to leave, feels like she can’t breathe. Feels like inhaling more of this toxic and tension infused air might kill her. 

And then dinner is being served. Dinner is being served and Kara’s eyes find Lena’s from across the table. And there’s the faintest of smiles on both of their lips as they do so, when Kara realizes that Lena has ordered her cook to make Plum Duffs, has ordered her to cook the one thing that she knows the blonde likes the most, that she despises herself. 

Michael’s and Jack’s confusing looks about said unanticipated choice of food mean nothing compared to this tiny moment she gets to share with Lena, this tiny speck of light in the sea of darkness she’d been swimming in for weeks. Something that gives both of them hope, something that lets Kara know that Lena still cares. 

Kara doesn’t even acknowledge that Michael’s hand is still resting on her thigh when Lena smirks at her, ever so slightly, that same smirk she’d seen that night under the stars.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are highly appreciated! 
> 
> Seriously, they mean so much to me (even if I don't always get to reply) and they're what keeps me going. :)
> 
> Thanks! (also hit me up on tumblr @superlcorp or @heryellowcup, i'd love to talk to some more people that share the same interests)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter will most likely be posted within the next few days, so keep your eyes open for that!!
> 
> All mistakes are mine (or those of my amazing beta reader, sorry not sorry). Enjoy! :)

Kara can still picture Lena’s smirk so clearly. Can picture the gentle smile they had shared across the dinner table, a discrete gesture of affection that both of them had needed so badly. Michael’s prying eyes unable to detect what was going on, the whole interaction meant for the two of them only. Even days later, Kara thinks that it will forever be impossible to forget. It is what turns her paintings brighter again, what causes her poems to be the slightest bit more hopeful. And she can see it in every single work that she creates, can see it being reflected in the way she sketches other people, can make it out in the sunrises that she paints every morning. There is a part of Lena in everything that she creates, in everything that she breathes. 

And it is something Kara feels she should be afraid of, something that is dangerous and to be avoided at all costs. 

She should not, under no circumstances, think about it while she lies in bed next to her fiancé at night. It shouldn’t be the first thing she thinks about right after she wakes up, shouldn’t be what follows her into her dreams. Shouldn’t be the first thing that comes to her mind when she looks at the sky, whether it be bright or cloudy, shouldn’t be the first thing that comes to mind when she looks up at the stars, together with so many other memories she had shared with Lena. And yet it does, leaves Kara unable to fight it. 

And still, Kara slowly makes her way up to the front door of Lena’s mansion. Only there to return a book that she had borrowed long ago, not there to see Lena, not wanting to look into those green eyes, not wanting to exchange words, yet knowing how great the risk really is. The room for failure so great by simply showing up there with the smallest of hopes that she might be otherwise occupied. Hoping for sheer luck, an action that now embarrasses Kara. And still she thinks it might be better than having done her research, than having found out when Lena would be at the mansion and when not. It would have bordered on obsession even more than her countless dreams and sketches that she had stored deep under her bed, deep in the back of her mind, for no one to find. 

Kara is not of the religious kind like so many other people are, has never found solace in the act of praying to someone or something that she can’t be certain is really there, even though the idea might seem rather inviting. And yet she almost catches herself looking up at the bright blue sky and mumbling a soft thank you for whatever caused Lena to go out for a late lunch that day. Whoever is responsible for the smile that appears on Kara’s lips as soon as she realizes that she won’t have to worry that day, won’t have to look into those eyes and wonder what they mean to her, wonder why she can’t seem to forget them. 

It is Jess who opens the door instead, smiles at her as though she might be happy to see her again, seemingly sad to inform her that Lena is not present. It almost seems as though she misses Kara’s relieved sigh on purpose, asks what she is doing here instead, nods her head knowingly when Kara shows her the book. 

And Jess apparently supposes that Kara is welcomed in Lena’s place, that she might as well move around on her own accord, that the older woman wouldn’t mind. And so she tells Kara that she knows where the library is, that she can bring it there by herself, possibly even pick up another book she had wanted to read, knowing that there are many that Kara hasn’t gotten to yet. Kara thanks her, is certainly surprised but does as she is told nonetheless, even though she doesn’t feel nearly as comfortable as Jess seems to think she should, navigating through long corridors all by herself, without Lena by her side guiding her. What she is doing almost feels inappropriate, feels like invading Lena’s home just like the woman had invaded every single one of Kara’s thoughts. 

Though she soon finds that it is the action of another two people that she should believe to be even more inappropriate instead, finds Sam and Alex in a position she had never wanted to see them in, in a position she hadn’t ever imagined possible, hadn’t ever thought about or considered. 

And really, she doesn’t mean to pry, doesn’t mean to catch them in such an intimate situation. She almost feels bad for walking in on them, feels guilty and as though she is contributing to something that is inherently wrong, that people have always told her to be wrong. It is no surprise that her breath hitches in her throat as soon as she rounds the corner, as soon as she opens the door to the library and finds someone she hadn’t expected to see at Lena’s place. Namely her sister, in a dangerous situation that here means having trapped Sam in between her and the book shelves behind her. They are kissing, passionately so, and Kara doesn’t know what to do, doesn't know what to think, simply freezes. Comes to a halt in the doorway, watches with wide eyes as both of them slowly turn around to face her, cheeks red and mouths agape. 

“Kara-“ Alex begins immediately, clearly wanting to explain herself, not knowing how, not understanding why she has to. Wishing she didn’t. It’s not that relevant to Kara, not in the moment, not until she manages to think about it further. For now she simply turns around and leaves, storms out of the library in a fit of confusion and anger. Towards who, she isn’t sure yet. Perhaps she just wants to be alone, wants to forget, doesn’t want to consider what this might mean. And still the gently whispered “Alex, let her go. She’ll understand.” she can hear in the distance breaks her heart for reasons she assumes she will soon understand, finally. 

For the moment all Kara wants to do is run, wants to get away from this place, away from Alex and Sam and everything that reminds her of Lena. As far away as possible. She doesn’t know how she finds herself in the other woman’s bright garden instead, all of a sudden, how she finds herself under the weeping willow where she had laid before, in the past. On days that felt much sunnier than this one, felt less confusing. Felt less like a puzzle she had spent weeks trying to solve. And she feels like she had failed miserably at such an easy task. 

And Kara is still struggling to process what she had seen, still can’t quite comprehend what it all means, still doesn’t know what to think. That is until the sudden realization hits her, the realization that she had done similar things with Lena. That if she deemed this wrong, she should have to do the same with her own actions, the things she’s done, the things she constantly thinks about. And she’d have to feel guilty about it, too. She’d have to feel guilty about her feelings towards Lena, would have to despise that Lena might possibly feel the same towards her. It’s impossible when it makes her feel as warm as it does, is impossible when it influences her in such a strong way. When every single thing that Lena does, no matter how small, has an impact on her. Makes her think, makes her feel. She knows, then, that she is just like her sister. Just like Sam. And all she now needs is for someone to tell her that it is okay. 

And even though she finally seems to understand so clearly, Kara still can’t quite comprehend the consequences this might have, doesn’t quite understand that it is in fact love. That it is everything she should feel for Michael instead. All she knows is that Lena makes her feel whole, makes her smile, makes her perk up when she suddenly stands in the garden, not too far away from her. 

“Kara…” Lena’s approach is softer than Alex’s, the dark-haired woman seemingly scared that Kara might run. As though she know that it's exactly what Kara wants to do so desperately, tries not to. The blonde knows that running is not always an option, that she’ll get lost if she doesn’t talk about this now, if she doesn’t listen to Lena. Doesn’t finally voice her worries.

She hadn’t even wanted to see her that day and yet the other woman suddenly feels like the only person that she can talk to. That she can be honest with. Share some of the thoughts that had been occupying her mind for weeks, things that she is only now slowly starting to unravel. She feels as though the fact that the two of them haven’t been able to talk to each other in weeks does not have an impact on how badly she needs her, still. How desperately she wants to get over all of those problems she can now finally comprehend herself, might even be able to discuss with Lena. 

She understands, now, what all of the things they’ve done means. Every gentle touch, every smile, every thought they had shared with each other. Their kiss. The reasons for it having been such a big deal, for it having felt so wrong, for it having been so tense and secretive suddenly become clearer as well, something she knows she should have been able to see all along. 

She feels stupid, almost, thinking back and realizing how blind she had been. 

“W-what are you doing here?” she asks nonetheless, feels caught in a moment of sheer vulnerability. Wants to run, still. Doesn’t even take note of the irony of her question, for she is in the other woman’s garden and shouldn’t be the slightest surprised to see her there. 

It causes the other woman to chuckle softly, to chuckle as though nothing between the two of them had changed. And she sits down next to her, too, leans against the tree just like Kara, their arms barely touching. It feels oddly familiar, even comfortable. Just like it always had. As if this was where she was supposed to be, at the end of her journey of realization. Almost as if Lena had waited for this moment, as if she had waited for this to happen, to be able to finally tell her everything that she knows herself. And Kara should have known that, too, had always believed the other woman to be much more intelligent than she is herself.

“Sam told me that I might be able to find you here,” Lena lets her know gently, though her smile quickly turns into a much more amused and teasing one when she spots the faint blush that immediately appears on the blonde’s cheeks. The mention of what had happened just several minutes before enough to fluster her. “She also told me that you might have caught them in a somewhat compromising situation.” 

Kara almost snorts and Lena laughs in the most beautiful way, soft and carefree and everything that Kara had missed about the other woman. About spending time with her. It almost makes her forget how embarrassed she is, almost aids to completely calm her down. If there just weren’t so many questions that have still been left unanswered in the back of her mind, so many things she is afraid to ponder over. “You could say that, yes.” 

“Look, Kara, I’ve never meant t-“ 

Kara cuts her off, with something as simple as the shake of her head. And still she worries her bottom lip between her teeth, not certain what to say, believing that Lena doesn’t have to explain herself. That there is nothing that she has done wrong. That she has been perfect, her behavior having nothing to do with the internal crisis that Kara is so clearly having. “I’m overwhelmed.” 

“I know, dear,” Lena’s voice is still so calm and warm that Kara wants to lean into her, wants to lean on her for support and everything that she is willing to give. She is incredibly thankful that the other woman isn’t mocking her, isn’t judging her, lets her be herself, even if that is nothing but a rambling and nervous mess. “And understandably so. I can just imagine how new all of this must be for you.” 

Kara believes her, believes that Lena is genuine and understanding and everything she needs so desperately in that scary moment. One she knows might change everything, one she knows will challenge every single idea she had previously believed in, had previously thought to be true thanks to society’s ridiculous standards and expectations. They are something that Kara resents more than anything and yet she had fallen for it. It almost makes her feel guilty. 

“I didn’t know… I didn’t know we could be like that,” Lena thinks Kara might be on the verge of tears, her voice cracking, her words soft and desperate. And it’s then that Lena realizes that perhaps Kara had wanted this all along, just didn’t have the means to express herself, didn’t know any better. “I didn’t know we could be so much more.” 

And yet Lena chuckles, shakes her head in amusement. She knows how serious this moment is, this conversation more important than any she had ever had, but still she can’t stop thinking about how absolutely endearing Kara is. So innocent, so warm, wanting to know everything that Lena can possibly offer to her. “Kara, we kissed. We kissed and we lay under the stars together. We held hands. We have been so much more this entire time.” 

“But, we’re-“ 

Lena believes that Kara might be afraid. That she might be afraid of what this all means, of finally understanding exactly what they’ve been dancing around for so long. Not for one second does Lena doubt that their feelings hadn’t been mutual, though she knows Kara had been so caught up in everything they stood for, had been overwhelmed, hadn’t necessarily considered anything but her own feelings. 

“It’s okay, Kara. I promise,” she whispers, takes Kara’s hand and smiles softly when the younger woman doesn’t pull back despite the fragility of this situation. And Lena feels that it might finally be time to really talk to her, to share everything that she knows, everything that she believes in. Things she hadn’t previously been bold enough to say in the fear she might lose the other woman. “I was just like you, Kara. When I was young, I was so much like you are now. I was scared. But then someone very smart decided to share a vital piece of information with me. Told me that two women can fall in love with each other, told me that it is okay. It’s nothing to be ashamed about, darling. How could it be when it feels this incredible, mh?” 

She emphasizes her point by tenderly kissing the back of Kara’s hand, then looks up to see blue and bright eyes staring right back at her, looking so relieved. Looking as though everything finally makes sense, as though she had finally found whatever she had been looking for. 

It’s the peace they’ve been searching for so long, then disrupted and seemingly violently torn apart by something as simple as a cough, announcing the arrival of Jack. Standing there in the garden, looking at them, a disappointed look grazing his features, the same one Kara had seen on Michael’s face so many times. And Kara doesn’t care that Lena is still holding her hand, doesn’t care that she tells her not to worry, doesn’t care that Lena doesn’t like Jack. She doesn’t care that he seemingly isn’t angry, almost looks like he had known this entire time. Still, she gets up and leaves. 

Can’t stand the thought that something as beautiful as love would be able to destroy relationships, could destroy her own. 

It’s another thing entirely that she knows she will have to think about. She will have to consider what all of this says about her and Michael, what it will mean for them. It is not expected of her, or any woman, to leave a man. She isn’t even certain whether that is something that she can do, that she wants to do, that she should do. It seems like an easy decision when Michael feels cold and Lena feels warm. And yet she runs. Is scared. Feels silly for having been scared before, for that the hardest part is yet to come. 

And then she has to think about Jack, too. Has to think about Lena, about their relationship that judging by the look on his face is now no longer. It’s another thing she should feel guilty about, that they should feel guilty about. She had just wanted to be with Lena, had never wanted it to be like this. Had never wanted it to be this destructive and dangerous. Had never wanted for any of this to happen. She almost wishes Lena had never stepped into her life, wishes that her eyes had never met green ones, wishes that the other woman hadn’t been able to draw her in this easily. 

She wishes that they had never been able to understand each other as perfectly as they did, wishes they hadn’t spent nights under the stars, wishes Lena had never shown her this side of life, wishes Lena hadn’t made her feel as welcomed, had never let her borrow all of those books. 

One of which Lena is now looking at, the one Kara had been wanting to return, the one she had visited for, the one she had carelessly left under the tree. 

It is mostly hopeful thinking when Lena opens Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, looks through it and wishes to find another poem scribbled on one of the pages, wishes to find a note, a drawing, anything that reminds her of Kara. 

And there it is, on the very last page, a note in what is undoubtedly Kara’s handwriting. It puts a smile on Lena’s lips despite the situation, causes her to believe that in the end, everything might be okay, after all. 

_‘How doth the little crocodile_   
_Improve his shining tail,_   
_And pour the waters of the Nile_   
_On ever golden scale!_

_How cheerfully he seems to grin,_   
_How neatly spreads his claws,_   
_And welcomes little fishes in,_   
_With gently smiling jaws!’_

‘Are you the crocodile, Lena? Sometimes I believe I might be like one of those little fishes. Am I?’ 

 

Lena smiles. Lena smiles and Jack shakes his head knowingly. And she lets him go. 

// 

And Kara goes home to Michael, greets him with a gentle kiss as though she hadn’t just spent time with the woman that she loves, as though her actions, her unwanted feelings, hadn’t just ruined at least one relationship. As though everything was normal, was ordinary and like it was supposed to be. As though everything apart from that was too scary, still. 

The quiet atmosphere of their home almost makes her believe that it might be okay like this. That it might be right. That everything will be just fine as long as she is with Michael, as long as her poems are about green eyes. 

 

_In soft candle light_   
_You came,_   
_A pale white ghost,_   
_Stepping shy,_   
_From dark shadows,_   
_Coy,_   
_Slipping quietly,_   
_Into a restless sleep,_   
_Where all modesty,_   
_And demure,_   
_Lay discarded ,_   
_Stripped naked,_   
_By a fantasy,_   
_Awakened,_   
_Within a dream._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are always highly appreciated!
> 
> Seriously, let me know what you think, it means a lot! :)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaand it's a wrap. This was a lot of fun, and this last chapter one of my favorites to write. 
> 
> All mistakes are mine (or, again, those of my amazing beta-reader). Enjoy!:)

The following weeks leading up to what is going to be their next encounter are silent and tense, are filled with grim paintings and dark poems, just like the many weeks before the one day that should be nothing but a rather happy memory in Kara’s mind, is filled with dread and fear instead. The mention of it enough to pull her back into a hole of guilt and the self-destruction that comes with it. Lena still makes her feel warm, like she always had, like she always will, but in the midst of things Kara had decided not to think about such things, still feeling uneasy whenever anyone mentions her. 

Because it is all so clear to her now, everything so perfectly imperfect, just waiting for them to be bold, for Kara to accept that the way Lena makes her feel is, indeed, valid. That it is nothing to be ashamed of, nothing that she should hide. Just like it is not her fault that looking at Michael doesn’t make her feel giddy, that the way he sometimes takes her hand doesn’t make her feel comforted, that his kisses don’t spark a flame within her. Deep in her gut, one that Lena had ignited to many times. 

She finally understands and yet having to actually act upon her feelings is something she is not sure she can do just yet. Something she knows that she definitely shouldn’t.

All of society’s rules now finally catching up with her, making her feel as though telling Michael is going to be impossible, that being with Lena is wrong, that liking her the way she does is a feeling that she should bury deep within herself and never think about again. A feeling that she shouldn’t dream about, a feeling that she shouldn’t reflect in her poems. For weeks she had wanted nothing more than to understand, had craved finally being able to comprehend everything that stood between them, the looks and innuendos their friends did such a poor job of hiding whenever she interacted with Lena. But now that she does, she almost wishes that she could go back, that she could reverse all of her new found knowledge and bask in her ignorant bliss instead. She misses days spent sketching Lena, misses nights spent lying under the stars with her, without worry, without having to think about the consequences. Without the dread that this might ruin everything. 

Kara knows it has the potential to be something great, too, can’t even imagine what it must feel like to be with Lena. To really be with her, without inhibitions, without holding back, able to say all of the things that she wants to say, able to touch as gently as she wants to, able to kiss, to feel, to live. Kara thinks she might die if she will never get to experience the sweet torture of said actions, thinks society might want her to if they ever decide to be bold and take the risks that come with doing just that. With being happy. With being themselves. 

She deems it unfair, still, is for once too scared to rebel nonetheless. Too scared to be bold, to be carefree, to be naive.

Surprisingly it is Alex that causes her to reunite with her bravery, makes her feel like she can take on the world and do whatever she wants, whatever she had always wanted to do. Though Kara feels nothing but nervous when Alex first confronts her, an uncertain look grazing her usually determined and confident features. The blonde feels as though Alex’s obvious worry mirrors her own, the two of them not having found the time to talk about everything that had happened. Made up excuses in order for them not having to be as vulnerable with each other as they truly felt, for not having to share their thoughts, for not having to be scared. Their sorrow and concern having been hidden behind layers upon layers of faux certainty this entire time. Even in front of the people they usually found themselves trusting the most. 

It is a relief when Kara is the first to put her mask down, greets Alex in the most genuine way, with a smirk that would have been appropriate before everything happened. When sisterly teasing was pretty much on their daily schedule, something that made their relationship even stronger. And they immediately find themselves to be back in their usual dynamic when Kara looks up from where she is sitting on her bed, tilts her head with what seems to be genuine interest and wonder, her grin warm and inviting. “So you and Sam, yeah?” 

Alex’s eyes widen, having anticipated everything but this, having expected anything but such a welcoming gesture. Not only a question but even more so an expression of acceptance. Kara regrets the previous weeks when she realizes that her reaction might have been everything that Alex had waited for, her honest and bright smile seemingly there to articulate just how relieved and grateful she is. The one person whose judgement she had feared the most now the one making her feel normal, the only one not making a big deal out of their situation. The only one not making it more than it is. Something as simple as love and happiness not to be blown out of proportion unless by poets wanting to emphasize their beauty and significance. 

“Me and Sam, yes.” Alex sounds so giddy and happy that she seems to be practically begging for a hug, one that she gets in form of an excited tackle, right before she’s being pulled down onto Kara’s bad. And oh how thankful they are that Michael is no where to be seen, for that they now feel safe and protected in each other’s company.

“I’m happy for you.” Kara means it. Means every word, every thought that she had regarded the two of them. The way Alex is smiling everything she needs to know about their relationship, everything she needs to see in order to shun society another time for not seeing this as the beautiful thing that it really is. She pushes her own feelings aside, pushes Lena aside, wants to show Alex that she understands. Without the concern or judgement that she puts into her own emotions. She feels almost proud for acting this way, feels proud for being just like her sister in so many ways, one of the most amazing human beings that she has ever met.

“You are?” Alex sounds disbelieving, still, and Kara proves how genuine she is being with another hug. One that lasts longer, one that is finally soaked with all of their unwanted emotions that they slowly release in each other’s arms. They stay like that for a while, too, before the older woman nods, ressures Kara that this is exactly what she wants, what she needs, as though her previous smile and the sparkle in her eyes hadn’t been enough proof for the blonde. 

“I am,” Kara nods softly, closes her eyes and shakes her head as though she wants to push away everything that she had first felt upon seeing the two of them together, so intimate and happy. How her own ideals, her own concerns had blinded her, had let her see something else entirely. “And I have to apologize for ever making you believe differently. I never meant to judge- I… I was so overwhelmed an-“

“I know, Kara,” Alex whispers, places a gentle hand on Kara’s arm in a tender effort to calm her down, to let her know that she understands, that she isn’t mad. Had never been, not for one second. Had been worried more than anything. Kara is not even surprised what Alex brings up next, had been prepared for it, even. Still, it doesn’t change the way she reacts to hearing her name. “What about you and Lena?” 

Kara turns around, feels distant again, all of a sudden, stares at the bare wall as if she might find the answer there. The one she’d been trying to find for weeks. Months. It’s a question she had spent entirely too much time thinking about, one she wants to answer but doesn’t know how. We’re friends. We’re more than that. We like each other. She makes me feel safe. She makes me feel like I belong. She makes me feel accepted and understood and everything that I have ever wanted- I love her. “What about us?”

Alex sighs, lets her hand rest on Kara’s arm and watches as her sister slowly falls apart. “Kara, it’s okay. I’ve seen the way you look-“ 

“She’s a friend of mine.” Kara’s words are cold, are nothing but a reflection of what she believes she has to say, what is expected of her. Of what she ought to feel. They are both aware that they don’t say anything about what Kara really feels, about what she is longing for, about what she actually wants to express. 

It’s a moment Alex feels doesn’t have to be this grim, a soft smile slowly spreading on her lips, mimicking Kara’s teasing one that had appeared as soon as she had walked through the door. She wants that feeling back, wants to be comfortable, want this to be okay. “A friend? Are you sure about that?” 

She backtracks immediately, then, when Kara regards her with a look of sorrow and disappointment. In herself, mostly, Alex thinks. 

“Kara, I’m sorry. You know that it is okay? It’s okay i-if you… if you like her, I mean. That would be-“ But Kara is too far gone already, tears finally tumbling down her red cheeks, tracing her lips that had been adorned with a soft smile moments ago, now replaced by a frown. A grimace of trying to hold back said tears, shaking her head vehemently, in desperation. Her whole body shaking as she slowly loses herself, leans into Alex’s warm embrace and keeps shivering nonetheless, her sister’s soothing whispers nothing but a reminder of the things that she will have to do. 

And then she says it, finally. Says it out loud. Cries it, sobs it, her delicate voice breaking while doing so. The words fragile, dangerous, everything that Kara had feared this entire time. And she stops shaking. She thinks of Lena. She smiles. “I love her.”

// 

Kara thinks it might be an hour later when she finally feels like she can breathe again, when the tears finally stop rolling down her cheeks. Alex stops crying too, tears that she had tried to hide, tears that caused Kara to cry even more upon seeing them. Thinking that she had caused even more harm. Instead Alex had pulled her closer, had reassured her that everything is going to be okay. And for once Kara wanted to believe her. 

They’re on her bed, still, Kara’s head resting on Alex’s chest, the steady beating of the older woman’s heart calming the blonde down notably. It’s something that she can hold onto, something that provides her with safety in this moment of vulnerability. And Kara sighs as Alex tenderly brushes some strands of hair out of her face, tucks them behind her ear. Sweet gestures that remind her of their childhood, that remind her that absolutely nothing has changed. She looks up at her sister, eyes red and puffy, her lips chapped, tasting of salt when she nervously runs her tongue over them. And then they talk. 

Kara tells her about the first time that she and Lena had met, tells her about the day in her garden with a soft smile on her face. Her eyes wide as she admits to sketching the other woman, finally voices the way she had been drawn to her from the very first moment. Voices her worries, voices her fear about it all, voices her amazement, how much she admires the other woman. Alex knows about the cricket game, had been there herself, but Kara admits to not understanding any of their jokes, admits to thinking about it at night, trying to figure it all out, admits to being incredibly blind. And she tells her about that one night, tells her what happened after Lena’s coachman had picked her up and successfully ruined their sister night. She tells her about the stargazing, tells her about their intimate conversations without giving too much away, still protecting Lena’s privacy. And then Kara tells her about what she now realized had been closer to skinny dipping than anything else, her cheeks red as she does so, her smile bright. And Alex just listens. Is being a sister, listens to Kara ramble on, a soft smile adorning her own lips. She, too, loves to finally understand, to finally hear about all of this. Though it is only when Kara brings up the masquerade ball that Alex suddenly sits up, listens even more closely than she had before. The way Kara is already nervously playing with her own fingers tells her that something important is about to follow. She almost wants to tease a bit more, wants to tell Kara how proud she is of her for having danced with so many women that night. But then Kara comes to a halt, the information that they did, indeed, kiss under the night sky merely a whisper. One that Alex gushes about nonetheless, unable to hold back her grin. 

It is only when she realizes that Kara is avoiding her gaze, is staring at the wall again, that she knows something is wrong, asks her gently. 

“We have barely talked since then. I’m not even sure whether she was avoiding me or if it was the other way around. I just needed time. And then I wanted to bring her the book and I…”

“And you saw me and Sam,” Alex finishes the sentence, chuckles while doing so and takes Kara’s hand. If only for the amount of guilt she suddenly feels wash over her. “I’m sorry. I certainly didn’t want-“ 

“You didn’t want me to see,” Kara mumbles, is certain that this is how Alex had wanted to end her sentence while the older woman herself wasn’t even sure. She gets no time to ponder over it, either, her sister now looking at her with wide questioning eyes. “Were you ever going to tell me?”

“Of course I was!” Alex reassures her quickly, perhaps a tad too fast. She sighs, then, admitting to herself that she had never planned that far ahead, that she had been worried herself. Worried about what Kara might think of her, worried that Kara might be the same, that she’d have to face the same struggles. That she’d have to feel bad about her own feelings. Sweet and innocent Kara worrying if something was wrong with her. Another rush of guilt when Alex realizes that she should have talked to her sooner. Should have talked to her right after she had picked up on the tension between her and Lena. “I like Lena. She’s good for you.” 

Kare decides not to dwell on the previous subject when she realizes how genuine Alex sounds, her own smile now once again matching that of her sister. “We talked. After I caught you and Alex kiss. She found me in her garden, held my hand as she told me that two women can fall in love.” 

“She did?” Alex asks, pulls Kara even closer. Happy that at least one person is taking care of Kara like she deserves it, in moments of failure of her own. Is grateful that Kara has someone in moments that she can’t be there, someone that isn’t Michael. She certainly knows that he doesn’t care enough, doesn’t pay attention, doesn’t understand, would most likely shun Kara for her feelings more than anything. 

She wants to voice said opinions just when she hears another sniff, feels Kara shift impossibly closer. Hears her softly admit even more of the thoughts she had tried to repress this entire time. “I don’t know what to do. I can’t… Michael- he’s, I’m not supposed to-“ 

“Kara, look at me,” Alex whispers gently, locks eyes with Kara and smiles reassuringly. “It’s okay to leave. It’s okay to explore, to be happy, to live. It’s okay to want Lena.” 

And the smile that blossoms on Kara’s lips is brighter than the sun. Alex wonders if she had ever seen her little sister this happy, can’t think of one single moment. She knows this isn’t over yet, knows that they’ll have to face so many problems in the future. But for now she is certain that Michael does not deserve her, that Kara doesn’t love him, loves Lena instead. And she so desperately wishes that Kara will always be as rebellious as she usually is, wishes that she will keep resenting society’s rules, wishes that she will keep fighting for what she believes in. That she will fight for Lena.

//

After hours of talking to Alex, Kara feels much better about Lena’s upcoming garden party than she previously had. So many worries having been pushed aside by Alex’s simple advice to just be herself, to enjoy, to talk to Lena and to be honest with her. And it’s exactly what she is going to do. She is going to be herself, is going to be happy for this one day, one night, until she makes a final decision. There’s an almost mocking smile on her lips whenever she thinks about it, knowing she won’t be able to choose Michael when Lena is also an option, when Lena makes her feel warm and comforted opposed to the indifference she feels whenever she is with Michael. 

It is no different on the morning of said day, his limp body resting on the bed, seemingly unable to move. A cough escaping his throat every now and then. He is sick, can’t go to the garden party, doesn’t want Kara to go either. Says that she simply can’t go alone, that she needs him, that she ought to be with her fiancé instead. Kara is having none of it, feels stronger now thanks to Alex’s reassurance. She is in the midst of putting on pants and one of Michael’s elegant shirts when he tries to stop her yet another time. When he tries to get her attention with one name that she simply can’t ignore. 

It starts with a simple and disappointed “you just want to see her”, ends with a disgusted “you spend an awful amount of time with Miss Luthor these days”. 

It gets to Kara more than she would like to admit, though she manages to stay calm nonetheless, brushes it off as though it is nothing but Michael being sick and not understanding what he is talking about. “You do, too.” 

“We’re business partners.” He scoffs, Kara mirrors bis actions, almost mockingly. 

“We’re friends.” 

“And that requires you to be around her at all times? What does one even talk about with this woman, if it’s not business?” His words are still soaked with disdain and she has to fight the urge to get up and leave. 

“You know, the usual stuff women talk about. The weather, for example.” She mocks, teases, spits out between gritted teeth and a smile that is nothing but polite. 

“The weather?” Kara smiles when she realizes that he has the decency to look confused, doesn’t understand what she is actually trying to say. That she is making fun of his ideas of what women are supposed to be like. 

“The weather, yes. As well as other things I imagine might be hard for you to understand. Books and poems, gossip that neither of us truly care about. Art. How beautiful the sky looks just when the sun is about to set.” 

She finishes the last touches on her outfit as she speaks, puts on her bow-tie, smiles at herself in the mirror before she leaves, doesn’t regard him with so much as another look.

//

Lena is still in the midst of getting dressed when she hears Kara’s and Alex’s voices echo through the mansion. It’s undoubtedly them and Lena is not in the slightest surprised that the two of them are early, doesn’t mind, smiles brightly. A smile that Jess spots immediately as she helps her to close the tight corset, a smirk forming on her own lips. 

“Your love just arrived,” Jess chirps, her gaze teasing, Lena’s destructive. An angry glare they both know she doesn’t truly mean. Another reason why Jess doesn’t stop there, keeps riling Lena up even before the party had started, before she even gets the chance to look at Kara and feel her cheeks heat up for another reason entirely. “And so far I haven’t been able to make out the voice of her soon to be husband. Maybe you are extraordinarily lucky today.” 

Lena wants to retort a snarky comment, one just as teasing and mocking. Instead, she smiles, softly, tries not to let her excitement show. The possibility of getting to spend more time with Kara alone something that she had been waiting for. Something she had craved, had been longing for in her dreams. The idea of this party, of inviting Kara and having to hope that she will actually attend, had been nerve wrecking enough. The prospect that she is coming alone, with no one but her sister who will most likely find herself back in the library with Sam anyways, is another reason to freak out. Another reason to smile, too. Another reason to look forward to this evening. 

“I think the lucky one today is Sam,” Lena chuckles, Jess snorts. The dark haired woman can see that her friend is already coming up with another teasing remark, so she simply shakes her head in amusement and makes her way to the door. “If you’d excuse me now, I think I have some guests to welcome.” 

//

Kara and Alex are already in the garden by the time that Lena makes her way down the stairs, admiring the vibrant yet cozy setup of this party. There are some people mingling already, lights everywhere, a large space for people to dance later on, long tables that they will have dinner at, an insane amount of drinks ready for everyone to take. They can both tell it is going to be a great night and Kara realizes how incredible it is really going to be when she spots Lena, locks eyes with her and mirrors the other woman’s smile. A soft and exciting one, shared across the garden before they’re both making their way towards each other. 

Alex doesn’t even complain about being left alone when she sees who Kara is greeting, when Sam appears right by her side just seconds later. 

Kara almost feels like a fool, so nervous in approaching Lena that she think she might faint. The other woman’s dress is even more beautiful than the one she had worn on the night of the masquerade ball, compliments her eyes impossibly more perfect. The blonde can’t tear her eyes away from Lena, not for the first time since the two of them had met and it makes her wonder how she could have been so blind. How she had not realized how much she loves Lena, how badly she wants to be with her, all of her thoughts regarding the other woman nothing but endless love poems she had been too scared to write down. This feeling she gets when she lays eyes on Lena, when she talks to her, touches her, so similar to the one she had read about in love poems. More intense, even, impossible to express with words. Her own poems she had wrote about the other woman not even close to what she really makes her feel. 

And then she’s right in front of her, taking her hand, and Kara thinks about Alex’s words, thinks about being herself and enjoying this night without thinking too much. And she promises herself that she will, promises herself not to think about Michael when he is nowhere to be found and had tried to stop her from attending by herself. All she focuses on is her hand in Lena’s, focuses on the soft smile that is adorning her lips. One that is almost mischievous, for reasons she assumes she will soon understand. 

“Miss Danvers,” Lena says politely, her brows furrowing ever so slightly as she is seemingly trying not to smile too hard, not to laugh. She is shaking her hand, still, their eyes locked. “You can call me Lena. It is a pleasure to meet you.” 

Kara understands, then, her smile turning bright and sunny. Starting over, she thinks, is the best idea that this incredibly smart woman ever had. And so she nods softly, bites her lip playfully. “The pleasure is all mine.” 

“Oh and you are charming, too,” Lena grins, now openly loving this little game that they are playing, something that feels more right than anything had in a long while. A breath of fresh air that both of them need so desperately. Kara, especially, blushing upon hearing Lena’s words. “I can simply hope that you are as smart as you are beautiful.” 

“Mmh, I think I might be able to tell you a thing or two about the stars.” 

They burst out in laughter, then, hold onto each other as they try to stifle their obvious excitement. A few heads perk up to look at the two of them, smirks forming on most of their lips as they watch this beautiful scene play out in front of them. Kara’s and Lena’s friends delighted that this is finally happening. And where Kara would have usually been embarrassed, where she would have tried to brush it off and never talk about it again, she is now proud. Let them look, she thinks. Let them judge. Let them. 

//

And they dance. They dance for what feels like hours without a care in the world. It feels so right that they almost forget that they are not the only ones there, that people could be watching, could be talking. It is Lena’s party, judging looks not something they have to worry about anymore. And yet they have to be careful for that Kara is still with Michael, as everyone knows. Not that they pay any thought to him, not that he matters when they are dancing in each other’s arms. Not that anything but their shared looks and their soft giggles actually means anything.

Except for perhaps the way Alex smiles at her sister when she, too, starts to dance. Leads Sam to the makeshift dance floor and tenderly wraps her arms around her, both sisters grinning at each other with nothing but pride and happiness. 

It seems as though the past few weeks don’t even matter, as though they are nothing but a distant memory while this is real. This is happening. And it’s all the two of them have been waiting for. Finally accepting this painfully obvious tension, the way their hearts flutter whenever their hands touch. And now everything they can feel is hope. Hope and a warmth that spreads throughout their whole bodies, leaves them unable to breathe, to think, to do anything but love. 

This evening is all they had been waiting for, all they had wanted for so long. There is food and music and people everywhere, there are jokes and conversations and playful teasing from their friends. There is the normality that they had both believed to be impossible. 

And then Lena takes her hand again, pulls her away from the crowd, the two women giggling as she does so. And they laugh and laugh as they make their way towards the back of the garden, where no one can see, where they can be even more themselves than they had already been all evening. She pulls Kara into the darkness, her smile setting a fire deep within the blonde nonetheless, her touches causing a rush of warmth to wash over her. And they’re alone, then, the music and the other people’s voices nothing but a background noise that aids to make the beautiful atmosphere between them even more perfect. 

They stop giggling once their eyes meet again, though a soft smile remains. Will Stay there for as long as they’re together. 

“I’m happy,” Kara whispers, the first to break the silence, sounds so genuine that Lena wants to cry. Pulls her closer instead. Pulls her closer, closer, closer until her nose is softly nuzzling Kara’s red cheeks, her breath caressing the other woman’s skin teasingly. Her lips so close to where Kara wants them, too far away still.

“I am, too,” Lena whispers against delicate features, quietly. Her voice almost inaudible, still so clear for Kara to hear thanks to the closeness that she is basking in. She wants her closer, still. 

“We should talk.” It’s a miserable attempt of trying to do the right thing, one that both of them discard immediately. Lena even has the decency to chuckle, to shake her head in amusement and to press a chaste kiss to Kara’s cheek, finally. 

“You know what I think we should do?” Lena’s voice is hoarse, is sultry and everything that makes Kara’s knees go weak. She looks at her with wide eyes, unable to do anything but shake her head slowly. “I think we should-“ 

Lena’s proposal gets interrupted by a loud noise, one that causes both of them to jump, then to laugh, to look up at the sky. Thunder. Almost as though the gods are judging them for what they are doing, for what they were about to do. And never in her life had Kara been this happy not to believe, to not be religious. The gods can damn them all they want, can deem their actions inappropriate, their feelings wrong. She has had to deal with too many earthly beings trying to convince her of the same, doesn’t want to believe that the sky would do the same. Couldn’t care less even if it did.

And then there’s rain, falling down on them so violently as though this was their own personal punishment. Their hair wet in seconds, their clothes just as fast. They’re soaked by the time they even realize what is happening. And then they laugh. They laugh loudly, grin, can’t contain their happiness, couldn’t if they tried. 

Kara spots the weeping willow not too far away from them, thinks it might aid as a temporary shelter, is already on her way there, wants to tell Lena to follow, when the other woman takes her arm. Stops her. Pulls her closer. Closer. Until their lips meet, until they kiss so passionately that the thunder still growling above them seems like nothing to worry about. The rain still cascading down their bodies, strikes of lightning illuminating the dark sky. And they think they might drown in each other, think that the rain might help, might make it worse. And still they kiss in what is their own godly punishment. Have never felt as alive before. 

“This is ruining your party,” Kara yells eventually, once they have managed to seperate, have taken a few deep breaths and touched their own lips in disbelief. Their voices are barely audible, thunder and lighting overshadowing everything that they say, every word, every laugh, every little intake of breath. From where they are standing they can see that everyone else seems to be running for their life, trying to get inside as fast as possible. Lena looks at what a catastrophe this is, realizes that Kara is right when she says that this is ruining the party. 

And then she smiles, pulls Kara close again. Feels like this is meant to be. “Let it.” 

//

Kara doesn’t want to leave. Wants to be with Lena, mourns their shared time when she slowly enters what is her and Michael’s apartment, still wet, her lips still tingling, sees him waiting for her. 

He’s holding some of her poems and she wants to scream for he had never read them before like she had always asked him to. Had never cared enough, had been indifferent about everything that was important to her, everything that meant something. And now that he has, all of her secrets are revealed. Kara can see the disgust in his eyes, wants to cry when he regards her with a faux smile nonetheless. The air is thick, the only candle illuminating the room almost burnt down. 

“Perhaps I should have read your poems sooner,” he begins, his voice low and dangerous. He barely looks at her, looks at all of the poems in his hand instead, lets them fly across the room in a fit of anger, one that causes him to slam his fist on the desk in front of him. Though he composes himself rather quickly, forces another tight smile onto his lips. Meanwhile, Kara doesn’t even flinch. Watches everything fall apart in silence and thinks of green eyes while doing so. “They sure are rather personal, are they not?” 

She doesn’t answer, simply watches as he looks for a poem, another wave of disgust contorting his features as he lays it out on the desk and beckons for her to come closer. “I think this one might be my favorite.” 

Kara is almost impressed, the poem in front of her not one of her obvious love poems. Rather one about the stars, one that could be interpreted in many ways, one that she had written in times of missing a certain person. She’s surprised he understood, thinks the lines must be soaked with nothing but Lena if even he had been able to spot her presence between the simple words. 

“It made me wonder, my love. Why did you choose to stay with me if the stars make you think of her?” 

She stays quiet one more time, the faintest of smiles grazing her delicate lips. 

_Looking up at the stars, I know quite well_   
_That, for all they care, I can go to hell,_   
_But on earth indifference is the least_   
_We have to dread from man or beast._

_How should we like it were stars to burn_   
_With a passion for us we could not return?_   
_If equal affection cannot be,_   
_Let the more loving one be me._

_Admirer as I think I am_   
_Of stars that do not give a damn,_   
_I cannot, now I see them, say_   
_I missed one terribly all day._

_Were all stars to disappear or die,_   
_I should learn to look at an empty sky_   
_And feel its total dark sublime,_   
_Though this might take me a little time._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it.
> 
> I'm sorry for this. Come scream at me in the comment section or on tumblr @superlcorp !
> 
> And as always, Kudos and Comments are highly appreciated!
> 
> Seriously, let me know what you think! :)


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